Rearranging the Past

Just a quick, short statement giving background...but I was caught off guard and even a little stunned. After it had ended, I hadn't once considered that it was real. I had always thought that it had only been a convenient answer simply postponing my illusion. I'd felt the foolish, silly girl.

But hearing it from someone else - realizing that it was real - rearranges pieces of my past I'd set in place long, long ago.

No. It changes nothing of today. But that young girl from so long ago...she found a bit of peace in a moment - a far away memory - that she'd never been able to hold her head up about. *sigh*

Thank you. *kiss*

-K.

My Nirvana

Ranger let me drive. A Vette. On his highway. Round n round. Flyin. Huggin the curves. *sigh* Simply beautiful. That feeling...the acceleration, the g-force as you hug the curves, while at the same time you're calculating every bump and shift of the powerful animal that surrounds you. Fuckin' Nirvana.

At least My Nirvana.

My blood races through my veins.

Like slick sweet fire.

My hands grip the wheel.

A bitchy battle for control and dominance.

We race the wind.

To sail.

To fly.

To be.

Everything drops away.

An effortless scattering,

Of emotional, logical and practical dust.

A deafening silent scream of victory.

Explodes from within.

As my soul finds freedom.

And I am at peace.

With the world.

With myself.

Long after the moment is gone.

That cry of release will still echo through me.

I breathe the purity of life's essence.

I fight the demand to surrender and close my eyes.

To simply bask in the cool slice of heat.

That pulses wildly within me.

Again and again.

The power to tame.

A crush of force.

Freedom's blazing flame.

Nirvana.

I am this.

Only this.

For a moment.

I am alive.

I am simply me.

-K.

Letting It All Go

For the last 5 months, I have tried my damnedest not to let the cynical voice in my head rule and instead let myself walk through doors that cracked open for me. Oh I knew full well at the time that practicalities, people's natural habits, and my fucked up luck left little hope for anything to truly catch hold and grow. (BTW...I'm not at all claiming I was perfect, but I always kept trying.)

*sigh* I've spent the last month fighting to keep things moving. I was tired, frustrated, and pissed. I've tried. But if no one else on the teams feels inclined to make shit work, there's not much I can really do. So I'm done sweating this shit. I give up. I'm letting it all go.

I tried. Nothing paid off. No regrets though. I learned some lessons and pounded a few basic beliefs back into my core. It is what it is. Nothing more. Nope. Nothing fuckin' more.

-Kat

Soul Searching

I've been thinking of my Dad the last few days. I'm sure he'll be on my mind quite a bit over the next month and a half. As I consider and wonder. *sigh* There are things I need to handle. Things that I've put off too long. But those are a different post...

A question came to mind tonight...one who's answer quickly and easily captures the truth.

Who would I want by my side in my last minutes? As I took my last breathes? Who would I want there?

The answer was immediate and easy. Clean. Simple. No doubt in my mind. So very few. For better or worse, it confirms to me so much about who I am, where I am, and how I am. There was comfort in that. Answering that question clears away all of the haze that sometimes gets in the way of the truth.

As I consider who I left out - especially those that surprised me - I realized that my answers altered as the timeframe changed. Yes, of course, in my final hours I would want to see them one last time. Yes...In my final days, I would hope I could see her and them and him and him and her and all of them...

Compared to others, I know even my combined list is short. However, it includes the best of the best. And for that I am a very lucky woman to have so many bests on my lists rather than an endless list of fillers.

Make the most of the time you have with those closest to you.
-Katherine

My Foundation

What do I want? What do I expect? Do I want and expect too much? Or not enough? Those are the questions I'm asking myself.

The answer makes them all irrelevent though. It's too fuckin' late. There's no going back. And there's no going forward. *sigh* I tried. I tried my best. I wasn't perfect. No one can be.

But when the basic foundation disappears, everything else is left to crumble. No matter how beautiful, amazing, or breathtaking other aspects may be, they won't survive when all they have to stand up on is the soft, weak muck of bullshit.

I won't lie or pretend. I know that it takes increadible personal strength and trust to give me what I need. And I know very few have, can, or will ever be able to rise to the challenge. There's a tiny piece of me that feels bad that I can't compromise on my core requirements. It's a lot. But the gifts of my trust, committement, friendship, honesty, openness, and respect...are worth the effort.

And if someone else can't recognize that, then I guess they never really saw or understood me at all.
-Kat

Silly

Silly fool.

Didn't admit it.

But now you know.

You thought you saw a spark of hope.

Silly girl.

Somewhere along the way.

Some how you imagined.

A little voice whispered "Maybe."

Silly woman.

A gap in your walls.

A weakness in your guard.

You thought this time it could be different.

Empty words.

Weak intention.

Actions that aren't there.

Promises aren't kept.

Silly dreams.

Silly hopes.

Silly me.

Even if there's only a fraction of hope, a sliver of belief, a trace of possibility...

It still hurts when it all shatters to dust.

-Kat

No One Here But Me

I lost a friendship today. Well, more like I finally admitted to myself I had lost a friendship. It's been in front of my face for a while, but my loyalty - for better or worse - kept me from walking away. An old friend too. Not the best of friends. No...not one to go out of the way for me without something to be gained. But someone I trusted for a moment to see the real me. Someone who shared with me more than anyone else. We gave each other small pieces of ourselves that no one else had ever seen. And that meant something. At least to me it did.

I wish I could undo the loss. I tried to reach out. I tried to communicate. And maybe that's what hurts the most, is that our friendship wasn't enough to fight for.

I'd long ago explained how I worked. I can cope with a pretty broad variety of things, but not lies. Even the smallest lie will make me doubt every word, every gesture. But we all make choices, and the lies must have been easier and more appealing than honoring the friendship we'd both nurtured.

No...I wasn't perfect. Not at all. There were moments when I was less than a friend and more selfish than I'd expected to be. But I didn't give up on becoming a better friend and trying to get it right.

Now I have no choice but to say goodbye and walk away since there's no one else really here but me. There's no use trying to revive the laughter or the warmth. I'd rather be cold and alone than pretend it's all good in the hood.

No anger. No drama. No. Just sadness. For what was lost. And the laughter and the memories that will never be shared.

It was my choice in the beginning to grow our friendship beyond what had always been. Another lesson learned.

Safe journey, hon. May you find your peace, your hope, and your contentment someday. *kiss*

-Katherine