"You spend so much energy and effort to guard yourself that maybe it would be less work to just feel the pain." That was a bit of a summary, but I believe I captured the essence. My reply: "I can't." Maybe it's easier for some. Maybe they don't feel pain as accurately as I do. Or maybe they can push past the pain faster and move on. Maybe they're optimistic in contrast to my cynicism.
My armor covers deep and ugly wounds that I won't let myself repeat. Those wounds can still ache. I just can't expose myself to the blows I know I'd feel without the protection I keep firm and steady around me. I've been given me no other choice. Because I refuse to bleed needlessly.
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The words I never expected to hear. The words I couldn't seem to reply back to. I'd waited so long but for such a different context. But I was still touched and moved deeply to hear vocalized what we've always known. The truth is far different than long ago dreams. And I'm at peace with reality. I've long since buried my broken dreams far, far, far below the rays of hope I let nurture my dreams. *kiss*
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"You get it." Yes. I do. I pass no judgement. I accept the truth. But I wonder sometimes which is easier...to live in denial and be hurt by the unexpected? Or to live with the truth and accept the consequences? I'm stumped. Truly. Is it better not to know? But then I'd likely hope for things that weren't realistic. LOL No actually I wouldn't. I couldn't. I can't. I always know. Even when I'm not told. I've always known. And lies only destroy where as truth can at least be understood.
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Why is it that it is acceptable for a man to do things, but not a woman. I've been told that's part of problem. But I don't have a man, and so those responsibilities are mine to handle. Be strong. But sit on the sidelines. *sigh* I don't know.
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"You're on the Happily-Ever-After list." Huh. Wow. Really? Why? Yeah...a little stunned at that one. I'm not Ms. Happily Ever After. Fairy tales and dreams aren't a part of my life. I count only on what's real, what's here, what's now. *sigh* I honestly wouldn't know how to be that girl even if someone were brave enough to try.
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What did I do to deserve what you're giving me? I know the end is coming. I'm looking for alternatives, so we can avoid the messy conclusion. It's time. Long past time. Nothing more to be gained. Nothing more to be lost. It's time for new beginnings and new challenges. New possibilities. I need fresh. I need something more. *sigh* There's just no more hope here.
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*sigh* A little haze blown away. A little lighter of heart and spirit. I have few answers and only a vague path that I'm scrambling to put in place as I go. But at least I have some movement.
-Kat
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