A Little Something...

"Don't be that way." "Stay positive."

I know. But a girl can only stay strong for so long when all she's got to hang onto are vague flickers of hope.

I try my damnedest not to get sucked into false hope or false anything else. For my own sanity, I have to keep it real.

- You're not mine.

- I'm not first on the list.

- I served my purpose, you got what you wanted, and our friendship is done.

- Locking the doors doesn't help shit.

- Liar. Liar. Liar. Can't be trusted.

- I'm an acquired taste.

- I'm damaged goods.

*sigh* Not facing facts will never lead to anything good. So I keep it real, and it helps me avoid bigger hurts down the road. Even if I bleed a little now, it's better than bleeding out later.

If it's not real, well then I can't hold onto it. I have to let it go. And the only thing I've truly found to hold onto was the steering wheel of my Mustang as we took that first real turn and felt it stick and move. That...yes, that...is what I've had to hold onto today. Shifting through the gears and feeling those G-forces just enough to know I was pushin it.

So that's what I'll hold onto for tonight. Because my bed is empty. My friends have their own lives. And all I've got is me.

-Kat

What I Need

"Let me know what you need from me."

A simple statement for most, yet one of the most complicated ever put to me.

1. Honestly, no one can really do anything about anything in my life. I don't ask or expect them to. It's my mess. A build up of so many mistakes I made in the past. I'm stuck. I'm trapped. And until other pieces give, there really isn't any room to move. I'll continue to work the edges and try to shift weights and location, but until then...I gots what I got.

2. I have no idea how to ask for anything. And right now...lol well what I want most isn't fuckin' possible and would only be an illusion anyways. I simply want to be held and for a moment not feel so alone. But I am alone. And I have no choice but to be strong and get through. LMAO...no one really wants to be here anyway.

*sigh* Slidin' down that dark fuckin' pit. Scrambling to grab a foothold and stop the descent. Shit. Shit. Shit. I just need a little something to hold onto.

-Kat

A Little Crash N Burn

Not doing real well at the moment. In fact, the walls are about to crumble. I'm close to tears. I just don't have enough strength right now to keep them at bay. There's a hundred other things I should be doing, but I just need a minute to curl up and hide.

And if someone can find fault with that...well, trust me...I really fuckin wish I was I wasn't fallin apart and that I wasn't in the middle of one more damn drama.

A friend of mine posted something about a week ago asking if it was possible to be too independent. Her question struck a chord with me. I've been accused of that a few times in recent years. I offered her my 2 cents which included that when you're alone, you have no choice since you have to handle business. But if you have people you can rely on and lean on, being to independent essentially shuts them out and shows that you don't have faith in them.

Based on her feedback, my words helped her considerably. She's got a great guy she can lean on and is building a beautiful life. But the words that helped her, seemed to have torn through my illusions. Reminding me once again that I've essentially got nothing and no one.

That "conversation", coupled with a return flight where I realized once again no one was waiting for me, and topped off with coming home to another break in where again...I was alone to cope.

Yeah...good reality checks. The important people in my life may care, may even love me in some way shape or form, but they aren't partners in my life. They're all on the outside of my reality. Stepping in occasionally when the opportunity presents itself or a situation demands attention. They all have real lives that make up their world. I am nothing more than a shoe box in a corner.

So many things are going on right now. In my life. And in my head.

What do you do when you want something you really don't need and when you know you need things that you really don't want?

What do you do when you want to give up, but you can't walk away?

What do you do when pieces of yourself begin to bloom, but immediately begin to starve from a lack of true nourishment?

I'm trying so hard to piece together a life for myself where I can be me. Without regrets. Without restraint. Without apology. Yet none of the pieces are big enough or real enough to fill in the empty gaps that beg for fulfillment.

I don't know.

I just know I have find the strength very quickly to deal with what is and what isn't. Cuz sitting here with my tears doesn't do shit. Especially when there's no running water. lol

Smile, grin, and bear it...and don't let anyone see your fuckin' pain.

-Kat

Empty

A very long quick trip. Tired. So fucking tired. And just empty.

Hour after hour, smile after smile, of being who I'm not. Keeping the edge away. Keeping me soft and accommodating.

Fuck...I've got nothing left to give. Only fumes keep me moving.

The need to go home burning in my bones. To rest. To shake off the tense friction running in my veins.

I ache to be home.

I ache to be held.

So stupid. So silly. So pointless.

There's emptiness. There's only me.

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.

Only me.

There's no one to lean on.

There's no one to care.

There's no one that provides me sanctuary.

There's no one that shelters me from the storms.

I can't let myself be soft.

I can't let myself feel weak.

Stay strong.

Stay strong.

Embrace the emptiness.

And stay fucking strong.

Embrace the emptiness.

Cause that's all I'll ever have.

-Kat

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget...

That I'm just extra.

That I'm too much.

That my opinions don't count except behind the scenes.

That I shouldn't fight fair.

That I need to be independent.

That I'm too independent.

That my past will always be a part of me.

That some things will never go away.

That the impact of me is more than most can cope with.

That I should tone it down.

That the only thing I can effect is myself.

That the choices of others are not a reflection of me.

Sometimes...I just forget.

-Kat

Now Vs. Then

I'm having more fun now than I've had in a long, long time. While my life is a bit chaotic right now and definitely even more complicated than usual, I'm bringing back pieces of myself that I'd begun to believe would forever remain buried.

To be me again brings me a core sense of peace.

To have those closest to me believe in me amplifies my inner strength and drives me to do and be more.

To finally see glimpses of hope... can quite literally take my breath away.

I was thinking of my dad this morning...when he was exactly my age, he was facing his unavoidable death. He spent his last months doing what he could to make the most of things. To leave memories that his family and his daughters would not forget. I never have.

To be honest, I expected this upcoming birthday to be my last as well. History has always had a funny way of coming full circle or repeating itself with me.

When I consider where I'm at right now, I can't help but contrast to what he must have gone through. He had no hope. Some how I've managed to find bits and pieces that I'm trying to make the most of. Because maybe...just maybe...there's more for me that what I've been surviving on.

Dad...you're quiet strength, your grace and your dignity will never be forgotten.

-Katherine

Checked Off

Sometimes I wonder if I need a chaperon! Hehehe

I checked off another item on my bucket list today. It wasn't perfect, but for a first try on my own it worked. I'd like to try it again though with a partner who's up for it. We'll see. ;-)

-Kat

A Lil PTSD to Go with Dinner

I had a little PTSD issue this evening. Not ugly, but not my finest moment either. Luckily after a couple minutes of downtime I was able to recognize the emotions running through me for what they were. I apologized and attempted to explain, but literally all I could say was "I didn't do it right." Ghosts of emotions from the past tried to set their claws into me, but I fought like a bitch. This isn't then. This isn't him. This isn't the same at all. I am not that girl anymore.

I practically had to have a conversation with myself in order to come back, but it worked. I pushed the panic that I could feel rising away from me and looked at each step in my little spiral downward clinically.

Ahhhh...yes, the recognition that ya fucked it up.

Ohhhh...there's the guilt! Quickly followed by the monster fear! Damn, that's what did it.

Uh-oh...mega-bitch drop-kicked into play to fight and protect that soft underbelly you've foolishly left open. She's pumping that anger hard to keep any possible tears from falling. Damn, ol' girl is fast.

Whew...was that cold hard reason or control freak that just put mega bitch in time out? Don't know, but it's a good thing mega-bitch was told to chill.

*sigh* I haven't had a PTSD trip for a long time now. Forgot what they were like. Rapid heart rate. Shallow breathing. Nauseous. This was a baby compared to others I've had, but the signs were all there. I was able to snap out of it, but I'm still bothered by the fact that I even had one.

I know why it happened. But that only increases the regret. *sigh*

-Kat