Rearranging the Past

Just a quick, short statement giving background...but I was caught off guard and even a little stunned. After it had ended, I hadn't once considered that it was real. I had always thought that it had only been a convenient answer simply postponing my illusion. I'd felt the foolish, silly girl.

But hearing it from someone else - realizing that it was real - rearranges pieces of my past I'd set in place long, long ago.

No. It changes nothing of today. But that young girl from so long ago...she found a bit of peace in a moment - a far away memory - that she'd never been able to hold her head up about. *sigh*

Thank you. *kiss*

-K.

My Nirvana

Ranger let me drive. A Vette. On his highway. Round n round. Flyin. Huggin the curves. *sigh* Simply beautiful. That feeling...the acceleration, the g-force as you hug the curves, while at the same time you're calculating every bump and shift of the powerful animal that surrounds you. Fuckin' Nirvana.

At least My Nirvana.

My blood races through my veins.

Like slick sweet fire.

My hands grip the wheel.

A bitchy battle for control and dominance.

We race the wind.

To sail.

To fly.

To be.

Everything drops away.

An effortless scattering,

Of emotional, logical and practical dust.

A deafening silent scream of victory.

Explodes from within.

As my soul finds freedom.

And I am at peace.

With the world.

With myself.

Long after the moment is gone.

That cry of release will still echo through me.

I breathe the purity of life's essence.

I fight the demand to surrender and close my eyes.

To simply bask in the cool slice of heat.

That pulses wildly within me.

Again and again.

The power to tame.

A crush of force.

Freedom's blazing flame.

Nirvana.

I am this.

Only this.

For a moment.

I am alive.

I am simply me.

-K.

Letting It All Go

For the last 5 months, I have tried my damnedest not to let the cynical voice in my head rule and instead let myself walk through doors that cracked open for me. Oh I knew full well at the time that practicalities, people's natural habits, and my fucked up luck left little hope for anything to truly catch hold and grow. (BTW...I'm not at all claiming I was perfect, but I always kept trying.)

*sigh* I've spent the last month fighting to keep things moving. I was tired, frustrated, and pissed. I've tried. But if no one else on the teams feels inclined to make shit work, there's not much I can really do. So I'm done sweating this shit. I give up. I'm letting it all go.

I tried. Nothing paid off. No regrets though. I learned some lessons and pounded a few basic beliefs back into my core. It is what it is. Nothing more. Nope. Nothing fuckin' more.

-Kat

Soul Searching

I've been thinking of my Dad the last few days. I'm sure he'll be on my mind quite a bit over the next month and a half. As I consider and wonder. *sigh* There are things I need to handle. Things that I've put off too long. But those are a different post...

A question came to mind tonight...one who's answer quickly and easily captures the truth.

Who would I want by my side in my last minutes? As I took my last breathes? Who would I want there?

The answer was immediate and easy. Clean. Simple. No doubt in my mind. So very few. For better or worse, it confirms to me so much about who I am, where I am, and how I am. There was comfort in that. Answering that question clears away all of the haze that sometimes gets in the way of the truth.

As I consider who I left out - especially those that surprised me - I realized that my answers altered as the timeframe changed. Yes, of course, in my final hours I would want to see them one last time. Yes...In my final days, I would hope I could see her and them and him and him and her and all of them...

Compared to others, I know even my combined list is short. However, it includes the best of the best. And for that I am a very lucky woman to have so many bests on my lists rather than an endless list of fillers.

Make the most of the time you have with those closest to you.
-Katherine

My Foundation

What do I want? What do I expect? Do I want and expect too much? Or not enough? Those are the questions I'm asking myself.

The answer makes them all irrelevent though. It's too fuckin' late. There's no going back. And there's no going forward. *sigh* I tried. I tried my best. I wasn't perfect. No one can be.

But when the basic foundation disappears, everything else is left to crumble. No matter how beautiful, amazing, or breathtaking other aspects may be, they won't survive when all they have to stand up on is the soft, weak muck of bullshit.

I won't lie or pretend. I know that it takes increadible personal strength and trust to give me what I need. And I know very few have, can, or will ever be able to rise to the challenge. There's a tiny piece of me that feels bad that I can't compromise on my core requirements. It's a lot. But the gifts of my trust, committement, friendship, honesty, openness, and respect...are worth the effort.

And if someone else can't recognize that, then I guess they never really saw or understood me at all.
-Kat

Silly

Silly fool.

Didn't admit it.

But now you know.

You thought you saw a spark of hope.

Silly girl.

Somewhere along the way.

Some how you imagined.

A little voice whispered "Maybe."

Silly woman.

A gap in your walls.

A weakness in your guard.

You thought this time it could be different.

Empty words.

Weak intention.

Actions that aren't there.

Promises aren't kept.

Silly dreams.

Silly hopes.

Silly me.

Even if there's only a fraction of hope, a sliver of belief, a trace of possibility...

It still hurts when it all shatters to dust.

-Kat

No One Here But Me

I lost a friendship today. Well, more like I finally admitted to myself I had lost a friendship. It's been in front of my face for a while, but my loyalty - for better or worse - kept me from walking away. An old friend too. Not the best of friends. No...not one to go out of the way for me without something to be gained. But someone I trusted for a moment to see the real me. Someone who shared with me more than anyone else. We gave each other small pieces of ourselves that no one else had ever seen. And that meant something. At least to me it did.

I wish I could undo the loss. I tried to reach out. I tried to communicate. And maybe that's what hurts the most, is that our friendship wasn't enough to fight for.

I'd long ago explained how I worked. I can cope with a pretty broad variety of things, but not lies. Even the smallest lie will make me doubt every word, every gesture. But we all make choices, and the lies must have been easier and more appealing than honoring the friendship we'd both nurtured.

No...I wasn't perfect. Not at all. There were moments when I was less than a friend and more selfish than I'd expected to be. But I didn't give up on becoming a better friend and trying to get it right.

Now I have no choice but to say goodbye and walk away since there's no one else really here but me. There's no use trying to revive the laughter or the warmth. I'd rather be cold and alone than pretend it's all good in the hood.

No anger. No drama. No. Just sadness. For what was lost. And the laughter and the memories that will never be shared.

It was my choice in the beginning to grow our friendship beyond what had always been. Another lesson learned.

Safe journey, hon. May you find your peace, your hope, and your contentment someday. *kiss*

-Katherine

Waving the White Flag

*sigh* This week has essentially sucked - exhausting, frustrating, disconnected. I haven't synched up with anyone or anything. And it wrapped up earlier with the icing on the cake.

I give up at this point. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what's needed, wanted, or desired. Fuck...if I need to go, stop, move on...someone say something. I haven't a clue which direction is the right way, so I'm just going to sit quietly in the background until I see a clear path.

Calling it a day, a night, a week...

-Kat

Bitchy or PMS or Both

I'm tired, pissed off, and frustrated. Just not that good of company at all. Or maybe I could be if I could believe anything that came out of anyone's mouth at this point. *sigh* I feel like in every corner I look it's a fuckin' puzzle I need to decipher. The words don't match the action. The action doesn't match the words. Really? Is it that hard? That fuckin' challenging to be genuine?

The game. The fuckin' game. I don't want to play a fuckin' game. I just want to be real. I don't have the patience to live this way. I don't. It's exhausting to spend all fuckin' day pretending to everyone to be happy, to be strong, to be fuckin' positive while at the same time trying to figure out what's behind everyone else's bullshit.

My job is essentially hopeless.

I'm tired of drive-by shootings on a sunny, Sunday afternoon mere blocks from my house, and my drive way being treated as a shooting range.

I'm tired of people saying "You need to get out of there." Really? You don't think I should say? FUCK! I KNOW I NEED TO LEAVE!!!! Tell me...how does a broke ass bitch with no savings, barely getting through from pay check to pay check possibly move?!? Don't they still require...first/last and/or a deposit? Oh and pay off the utilities here and then make a deposit on the utilities there? Oh...wait...I forgot...I left $1500 under the bed. Let me go grab that and make everything better. *psh* Silly me...

FUCK!

I haven't seen my kids in a year and a half. Looooooser. But somehow I got through Mother's Day and Del's birthday without tears. Although as soon as I got to this subject the tears came.

I'm tired of being strong. I wish I could curl up in someone's lap that I trust, that I believe in, that could honestly just care that I'm hurting. But letting anyone see my pain is beyond me. Too many other factors that require my guard to be up at all times.

Possibilities that I just can't seem to get to turn over. God...if just one them would flip...so many pieces might start lining up.

It's like everything is jammed up with no movement. More and more pressure. I keep trying to shake something loose so everything can flow, but nothing will budge. I'm scratched, bruised, bleeding. There urge to just toss a stick of dynamite into the mess is overwhelming. But reason takes over and I'm not sure what pieces would be broken beyond repair. *sigh*

My ex told me that maybe I was "on divine pause" and that maybe I should go to church. Considering he also mentioned he might be getting $180,000 payout despite the fact that he's a dick...I just have to wonder how the whole karma thing really works. lol

Fuck.

I'd just give up and go to bed. But I gotta keep tugging on those pieces. Can't quit. Keep movin'. Keep movin'.

*sigh*

-Kat

The Existence of Purity

At this age or in this day and age...does anything pure truly exist? Is it me? Is it life? Is it the world?

I've experienced pure emotions before...once upon a time in another life of another girl. But the ability seems beyond me at this point. Too much clutter. Too much complication. Every step, every moment shadowed with a hundred other factors that I can't deny or escape.

Do you only get one chance at pure freedom?

Do you only get one chance to fly?

To soar without tethers?

I know the choice is mine to remain grounded. But I have no desire to feel the guaranteed crash and burn of tumbling over the rocks I know are on the other side. Enough scratches and bruises scar my soul.

But the more I know...the more questions I ask...the more I learn...the less I can believe I'll ever find what I once believed could exist. Time seems to kill the possibility. Or maybe it's not time. Maybe it is just my naiveté.

Am I a fool to believe in honesty?

In truth?

In trust?

In friendship?

In love?

*sigh* Maybe I just expect too much. I know there are moments...fleeing moments when I don't think and simply let myself run pure.

A quick kiss and hug of pure friendship and laughter and fun. A moment of blinding sunshine I didn't question or analyze. It simply existed.

A glance and a smile with no hesitation or filter. No doubt or dilution. Friends sharing a moment of pure joy and happiness. It simply exists.

A touch. A caress. No thought. No caution. Lovers losing themselves for a moment to the pure pleasure found in one another's arms. It simply is there.

Maybe moments are all I'm capable of experiencing. A light occasional breeze to lift me up for an instant, but never enough to truly take flight and soar. Not enough to truly satisfy, but something to help get a girl through.

-Katherine

A Gift

True love is a gift.

Without strings or expectations.

It's rare.

And cannot be created or manufactured.

It comes to exist.

To be.

It is quite simply just there.

It is the simplest of emotions.

And the most complicated.

It cannot be reasoned with.

It cannot be explained.

It is not just caring.

It is not just a feeling.

There is a depth and trueness

That can never be mistaken.

It surrounds.

Embraces.

Shelters.

And heals.

But true love is always a gift.

-K.

Rattle - Spin - Rattle - Spin

A lot is rattling in my head:

"You spend so much energy and effort to guard yourself that maybe it would be less work to just feel the pain." That was a bit of a summary, but I believe I captured the essence. My reply: "I can't." Maybe it's easier for some. Maybe they don't feel pain as accurately as I do. Or maybe they can push past the pain faster and move on. Maybe they're optimistic in contrast to my cynicism.

My armor covers deep and ugly wounds that I won't let myself repeat. Those wounds can still ache. I just can't expose myself to the blows I know I'd feel without the protection I keep firm and steady around me. I've been given me no other choice. Because I refuse to bleed needlessly.

************

The words I never expected to hear. The words I couldn't seem to reply back to. I'd waited so long but for such a different context. But I was still touched and moved deeply to hear vocalized what we've always known. The truth is far different than long ago dreams. And I'm at peace with reality. I've long since buried my broken dreams far, far, far below the rays of hope I let nurture my dreams. *kiss*

************

"You get it." Yes. I do. I pass no judgement. I accept the truth. But I wonder sometimes which is easier...to live in denial and be hurt by the unexpected? Or to live with the truth and accept the consequences? I'm stumped. Truly. Is it better not to know? But then I'd likely hope for things that weren't realistic. LOL No actually I wouldn't. I couldn't. I can't. I always know. Even when I'm not told. I've always known. And lies only destroy where as truth can at least be understood.

*************

Why is it that it is acceptable for a man to do things, but not a woman. I've been told that's part of problem. But I don't have a man, and so those responsibilities are mine to handle. Be strong. But sit on the sidelines. *sigh* I don't know.

*************

"You're on the Happily-Ever-After list." Huh. Wow. Really? Why? Yeah...a little stunned at that one. I'm not Ms. Happily Ever After. Fairy tales and dreams aren't a part of my life. I count only on what's real, what's here, what's now. *sigh* I honestly wouldn't know how to be that girl even if someone were brave enough to try.

*************

What did I do to deserve what you're giving me? I know the end is coming. I'm looking for alternatives, so we can avoid the messy conclusion. It's time. Long past time. Nothing more to be gained. Nothing more to be lost. It's time for new beginnings and new challenges. New possibilities. I need fresh. I need something more. *sigh* There's just no more hope here.

*************

*sigh* A little haze blown away. A little lighter of heart and spirit. I have few answers and only a vague path that I'm scrambling to put in place as I go. But at least I have some movement.

-Kat

Consequences of Truth

Maybe I shouldn't be honest.

I didn't mean to cause pain.

Maybe I should always bury the truth.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

You didn't know.

How could you?

I wouldn't let you see.

I didn't want you to.

I couldn't.

Not again.

Maybe it should have stayed in my head.

And not forced us both to face the reality.

I took the pain.

I absorbed it.

I wouldn't hide from the truth.

And it changed everything.

When nothing else could.

It changed changed everything.

Now you know.

And likely, you understand.

Just how deeply I felt that blow.

I couldn't lie.

And I couldn't reassure without explanation.

But maybe I should have tried.

I didn't realize you would feel it too.

I didn't expect you to say the words.

I didn't want to cause you pain.

Where will this go?

Where are we?

Will we be able to move on?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Only you have the answers.

-K.

A Little Something...

"Don't be that way." "Stay positive."

I know. But a girl can only stay strong for so long when all she's got to hang onto are vague flickers of hope.

I try my damnedest not to get sucked into false hope or false anything else. For my own sanity, I have to keep it real.

- You're not mine.

- I'm not first on the list.

- I served my purpose, you got what you wanted, and our friendship is done.

- Locking the doors doesn't help shit.

- Liar. Liar. Liar. Can't be trusted.

- I'm an acquired taste.

- I'm damaged goods.

*sigh* Not facing facts will never lead to anything good. So I keep it real, and it helps me avoid bigger hurts down the road. Even if I bleed a little now, it's better than bleeding out later.

If it's not real, well then I can't hold onto it. I have to let it go. And the only thing I've truly found to hold onto was the steering wheel of my Mustang as we took that first real turn and felt it stick and move. That...yes, that...is what I've had to hold onto today. Shifting through the gears and feeling those G-forces just enough to know I was pushin it.

So that's what I'll hold onto for tonight. Because my bed is empty. My friends have their own lives. And all I've got is me.

-Kat

What I Need

"Let me know what you need from me."

A simple statement for most, yet one of the most complicated ever put to me.

1. Honestly, no one can really do anything about anything in my life. I don't ask or expect them to. It's my mess. A build up of so many mistakes I made in the past. I'm stuck. I'm trapped. And until other pieces give, there really isn't any room to move. I'll continue to work the edges and try to shift weights and location, but until then...I gots what I got.

2. I have no idea how to ask for anything. And right now...lol well what I want most isn't fuckin' possible and would only be an illusion anyways. I simply want to be held and for a moment not feel so alone. But I am alone. And I have no choice but to be strong and get through. LMAO...no one really wants to be here anyway.

*sigh* Slidin' down that dark fuckin' pit. Scrambling to grab a foothold and stop the descent. Shit. Shit. Shit. I just need a little something to hold onto.

-Kat

A Little Crash N Burn

Not doing real well at the moment. In fact, the walls are about to crumble. I'm close to tears. I just don't have enough strength right now to keep them at bay. There's a hundred other things I should be doing, but I just need a minute to curl up and hide.

And if someone can find fault with that...well, trust me...I really fuckin wish I was I wasn't fallin apart and that I wasn't in the middle of one more damn drama.

A friend of mine posted something about a week ago asking if it was possible to be too independent. Her question struck a chord with me. I've been accused of that a few times in recent years. I offered her my 2 cents which included that when you're alone, you have no choice since you have to handle business. But if you have people you can rely on and lean on, being to independent essentially shuts them out and shows that you don't have faith in them.

Based on her feedback, my words helped her considerably. She's got a great guy she can lean on and is building a beautiful life. But the words that helped her, seemed to have torn through my illusions. Reminding me once again that I've essentially got nothing and no one.

That "conversation", coupled with a return flight where I realized once again no one was waiting for me, and topped off with coming home to another break in where again...I was alone to cope.

Yeah...good reality checks. The important people in my life may care, may even love me in some way shape or form, but they aren't partners in my life. They're all on the outside of my reality. Stepping in occasionally when the opportunity presents itself or a situation demands attention. They all have real lives that make up their world. I am nothing more than a shoe box in a corner.

So many things are going on right now. In my life. And in my head.

What do you do when you want something you really don't need and when you know you need things that you really don't want?

What do you do when you want to give up, but you can't walk away?

What do you do when pieces of yourself begin to bloom, but immediately begin to starve from a lack of true nourishment?

I'm trying so hard to piece together a life for myself where I can be me. Without regrets. Without restraint. Without apology. Yet none of the pieces are big enough or real enough to fill in the empty gaps that beg for fulfillment.

I don't know.

I just know I have find the strength very quickly to deal with what is and what isn't. Cuz sitting here with my tears doesn't do shit. Especially when there's no running water. lol

Smile, grin, and bear it...and don't let anyone see your fuckin' pain.

-Kat

Empty

A very long quick trip. Tired. So fucking tired. And just empty.

Hour after hour, smile after smile, of being who I'm not. Keeping the edge away. Keeping me soft and accommodating.

Fuck...I've got nothing left to give. Only fumes keep me moving.

The need to go home burning in my bones. To rest. To shake off the tense friction running in my veins.

I ache to be home.

I ache to be held.

So stupid. So silly. So pointless.

There's emptiness. There's only me.

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.

Only me.

There's no one to lean on.

There's no one to care.

There's no one that provides me sanctuary.

There's no one that shelters me from the storms.

I can't let myself be soft.

I can't let myself feel weak.

Stay strong.

Stay strong.

Embrace the emptiness.

And stay fucking strong.

Embrace the emptiness.

Cause that's all I'll ever have.

-Kat

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget...

That I'm just extra.

That I'm too much.

That my opinions don't count except behind the scenes.

That I shouldn't fight fair.

That I need to be independent.

That I'm too independent.

That my past will always be a part of me.

That some things will never go away.

That the impact of me is more than most can cope with.

That I should tone it down.

That the only thing I can effect is myself.

That the choices of others are not a reflection of me.

Sometimes...I just forget.

-Kat

Now Vs. Then

I'm having more fun now than I've had in a long, long time. While my life is a bit chaotic right now and definitely even more complicated than usual, I'm bringing back pieces of myself that I'd begun to believe would forever remain buried.

To be me again brings me a core sense of peace.

To have those closest to me believe in me amplifies my inner strength and drives me to do and be more.

To finally see glimpses of hope... can quite literally take my breath away.

I was thinking of my dad this morning...when he was exactly my age, he was facing his unavoidable death. He spent his last months doing what he could to make the most of things. To leave memories that his family and his daughters would not forget. I never have.

To be honest, I expected this upcoming birthday to be my last as well. History has always had a funny way of coming full circle or repeating itself with me.

When I consider where I'm at right now, I can't help but contrast to what he must have gone through. He had no hope. Some how I've managed to find bits and pieces that I'm trying to make the most of. Because maybe...just maybe...there's more for me that what I've been surviving on.

Dad...you're quiet strength, your grace and your dignity will never be forgotten.

-Katherine

Checked Off

Sometimes I wonder if I need a chaperon! Hehehe

I checked off another item on my bucket list today. It wasn't perfect, but for a first try on my own it worked. I'd like to try it again though with a partner who's up for it. We'll see. ;-)

-Kat

A Lil PTSD to Go with Dinner

I had a little PTSD issue this evening. Not ugly, but not my finest moment either. Luckily after a couple minutes of downtime I was able to recognize the emotions running through me for what they were. I apologized and attempted to explain, but literally all I could say was "I didn't do it right." Ghosts of emotions from the past tried to set their claws into me, but I fought like a bitch. This isn't then. This isn't him. This isn't the same at all. I am not that girl anymore.

I practically had to have a conversation with myself in order to come back, but it worked. I pushed the panic that I could feel rising away from me and looked at each step in my little spiral downward clinically.

Ahhhh...yes, the recognition that ya fucked it up.

Ohhhh...there's the guilt! Quickly followed by the monster fear! Damn, that's what did it.

Uh-oh...mega-bitch drop-kicked into play to fight and protect that soft underbelly you've foolishly left open. She's pumping that anger hard to keep any possible tears from falling. Damn, ol' girl is fast.

Whew...was that cold hard reason or control freak that just put mega bitch in time out? Don't know, but it's a good thing mega-bitch was told to chill.

*sigh* I haven't had a PTSD trip for a long time now. Forgot what they were like. Rapid heart rate. Shallow breathing. Nauseous. This was a baby compared to others I've had, but the signs were all there. I was able to snap out of it, but I'm still bothered by the fact that I even had one.

I know why it happened. But that only increases the regret. *sigh*

-Kat

Quiet day so far. I needed the down time. Yesterday was crazy busy, and I didn't get nearly enough taken care of. But the time was well spent exploring new opportunities for later this year.

So much has changed in a very short time. I've taken several different roads, and only time will tell where they may lead. I am at heart very down-to-earth with simple needs. I don't have grand dreams of wealth, fame or material excess nor of fairy tale happily-ever-afters, hundreds of friends, or powerful positions. I simply seek peace, hope, and a little happiness once and a while in an out of the way cottage by the woods with a some fun and adventure with those I care for most tossed in now and again.

Simple dreams. But neither I nor anyone around me would ever call me a simple girl. Nope. I'm complicated as fuck and so is my life. Most of the time I forget how complicated.

But as I think about it, there really isn't much of my life that is simple to explain.

My children...complicated.

My family...complicated.

My best friend...complicated.

My job...complicated.

My friends...complicated.

My past...complicated.

My home...complicated.

My car...complicated.

And my sex/love life...oh yeah, guess what...complicated.

Hell...even my dog is slightly complicated.

Most of the time I don't give a damn, as I rarely explain to anyone the other pieces of me. There are very few people close enough to me to get past my walls and see inside me or my life. They get what they get, and they don't need to worry about what's going on in all the other pieces of my life because it's really not their business.

But there are a few that have made it past my outer shell to see more of me. When they ask simple questions...it's nearly impossible to give a simple response. Most of the time, I'm not sure how much they even care to know. I definitely never know where to start. There is no beginning, middle, or end to any of it. And at this point I don't even have clear boundaries between the pieces of my life because they've all somehow begun to overlap.

*sigh*

Messy. Complicated. Me.

I stick with my core beliefs of honesty and straight-forward answers. But I sometimes wonder how much people can really take. And how much of the truth they truly want. Most aren't as strong or as flexible as they believe themselves to be, and sometimes the truth of me is more than they can understand or accept.

And somehow I don't see my life getting anything but more complicated as the months and years go by.

-Katherine

Dreams Left Behind

I've learned over the last ten years or so to keep things real, to accept the truth, and not to pretend. Hopes and dreams are wonderful as long as they are based on reality and what can truly be...not on altering universes. No matter how beautiful those hopes and dreams could be, you'll only end up with emptiness and pain.

Yes. I would many change many things if I could. But I am who I am, and I have the life that I live. Gradual adjustments/improvement can happen, but radical changes aren't even remotely likely.

Over the last week, there have been moments when I wondered what it would be like to find home. But that dream was lost long ago in the choices I and others have made. I know, I'll never again find home. It's a beautiful dream that belongs to others and not to me.

I don't waste time resenting. I have no anger or hate. How can I when I see and hear the joy that others have found? I'm happy for them. It's a rare and beautiful to just witness from the periphery. It brings me peace to know they have so much.

I'll never have what some are truly blessed with. And that's okay. I don't believe I was ever meant to. My dream is different now. More practical. Simple really. To enjoy and make the most of the moments and the opportunities I am given. Nothing more. Nothing less.

When I look back on my life in my final days, I will string together those moments. Take each one out and cherish the brief time I had with those that mattered most to me. No one can take those away from me.

*sigh*

-K.

Good Technique

There's an art to good phone sex. Really. There is.

And when it's good...damn. Sexy as fuckin' hell.

Hearing a man's voice drop and get husky. Knowing what he's doing.

Yum.

Kat

Then Everything Melts A Little

It always stuns me for a moment. I guess I just never expect it. But suddenly it's there, and my brain waves blip silent, my heart skips, and my breath catches.

Then everything melts a little.

I never know how to respond. It's important. It matters to me. I can't treat that precious gift carelessly. But I never know what to say.

I can't help but pull it inside and let it warm me. It's goes straight to that hidden secret place I barely let myself feel. It just sinks in and touches my soul for a moment.

I never know why it happens either. What I've done. What I've said. I don't know. I try not to question. And just accept. But I really just don't understand. How is it possible? Why me? What does it means?

Somehow I'm vulnerable when it happens. It's like I let a door swing open that I shouldn't have. I can feel the fresh breeze, but that moment of insecurity unnerves me. *sigh* But I'm trying to learn to just let it be. And not ask questions. And just accept gracefully.

-Katherine

She Can Take It

If you have any strength, people seem to completely disregard that you might have feelings or needs. Natural considerations and efforts given freely to "regular people" are ignored. I feel as though people look at me and think "I don't have to be nice. She can take it." I believe I'd have to leave pools of fucking blood trailing behind me before anyone would notice I might need some attention.

*sigh* I'm tired. I'm bruised, battered, and wore the fuck out mentally and emotionally from trying to cushion every interaction I have and attempting to make everyone else feel warm and fuzzy. Logically I figure people give back what they get. No. It's not true. People are selfish and take and take and take. I smile through it. "You want more? What else can I do for you?" Then I crawl under the covers to curl up and hide.

Ya know I don't want or need a lot. Really. I'm not an emotionally greedy bitch. I've spent most of my entire adult life learning to live without. But fuck...a little kindness? A bit of consideration? A fraction of interest in something other than yourself? An small offer to help out without expecting anything in return?

I watch everyone scurry to make the gentle, weaker ones feel all cherished and cared for. They're reassured, cosseted, and sheltered, while I stand ignored in the brutal cold. I keep trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Why doesn't anyone believe I deserve a few of the little things?

If they saw the tears I keep hidden, would they try?

If they saw the pain I bury, would they care?

If they saw the hurt I brush away, would they reconsider?

Somehow I doubt it. My instincts tell me they'd secretly relish my weakness because it would help them feel superior and powerful. "Ha! That bitch finally falls."

Fuck. I just wish I could walk away from it all and let everyone else try to pick up all the pieces. But I don't have that luxury. I have to keep fighting. I have to play the game. And survive off the pieces of kindness I steal from others.

*sigh* It's been a long couple of weeks with few breaks. I know I'm wore the fuck out and need some hibernation time to recover, but I'm afraid if I shut down that I won't be able to open the doors again to anyone or anything.

-K.

Moving Forward

I haven't fallen this time. It's brushed my mind many times, but my demons haven't overtaken me. I've stayed focus on now. On here. I didn't let the past drag down me down to the smothering shadows and the ugly truth.

I've accepted that I can't change the past.

I've forgiven myself for what I couldn't see or change.

It's taken me years to get to this point.

For the first time in ten years, I haven't surrendered.

-Kath

Crossing Lines

The lines are no longer clear and cut.

The divisions have blurred.

The lives have overlapped.

No harm.

No foul.

Yet the shift is still in motion.

I've never blended.

I've never shared.

The pieces of me.

A slice here.

A slice there.

Maybe an occasional peek at my soul.

An overlap of roles.

Mixing the pieces.

Who do I need to be?

What will survive?

What will bleed out?

What piece of me will be there in the end?

Or is there a chance?

To be all of me?

To bring my pieces together?

To find harmony.

To find strength.

In all that I am, and everything I could be.

-Katherine

To Be Strong

"You are the strongest woman I know." Over the last few years, I've heard that a number of times. While I consider it a compliment, I really don't know what I do that makes me so damn strong. I've never done anything amazing or truly daring or historic. I just fuckin' survive.

But one thing frustrates the hell out of me. It sometimes feels that because others see me as strong, they feel it is acceptable to be careless with me. People seem to fail to grasp that while I may rarely fuckin' flinch, I feel every lash, every slice, and every punch they and world throw at me.

Maybe it's my fault that they are careless then. Am I the one to blame when someone is rude, thoughtless, or fails to pay attention to my needs? I will rarely call anyone out on their carelessness. But I do fuckin' take note. And as the tally rises, they receive less and less of me. Some don't even realize it because I feed them the same careless bullshit they feed me.

Now I will and often do call people out on their bullshit. This is different from careless. Bullshit's more direct. No. I don't let that pass by unchecked.

But maybe I shouldn't let the careless stuff go by either. I've always taken the stance that someone's intentional consideration is a gift and reflects what they genuinely feel for me as a person, a friend, a lover, anything... And to have force someone to be considerate would not be real. They would only do something because I asked/demanded.

I'd rather it all be real. I want to know who that person is inside. How they treat others and especially me is a reflects who they are. And I want to know how they honestly feel about me. Not pretend or mislead. I never want fake.

*sigh* A vicious cycle, huh? I suppose it all boils down that I am the way I am. It's sad really...even the ones closest to me will never realize how much their actions or words have hurt me. I'll bury the pain and show 'em a smile. :-)

-Kat

Your Choice

This could be what ever you want it to be.

How far do you want to take it?

How far are you willing to go?

Do you have the strength?

Do you have the focus?

To make the most of it.

What if you could have it all?

Would it be too much?

Could you handle it?

Would you be willing?

To work for it.

To change.

And if you had it all.

Would it be enough?

So many places to take this.

So many ways to grow.

One chance.

The choice is yours.

How much or how little this becomes...

Is all up to you.

-Kat

If It Was You & Me...

At this age, we all carry baggage. Some of it just is, some of it we struggle to leave behind, and some of the burden follows you around no matter how often you try to stuff it in a fuckin dumpster. I've done pretty well in the last couple of years of losing some key pieces. Which is good. But I usually forget how heavy my baggage still is until someone reminds me of the mess and threat that always walks behind me.

Throughout the the last seven year plus years, I've gotten a depressing insight/reality check from a couple of my closest male friends. It goes something like..."If it was me and you, your ex would be a problem." *sigh* Just what a girl wants to hear.

Not necessarily a problem between me and him, but a recognition of a battle that he'd have to fight if he were my partner. And not a very simple or pleasant battle at that.

I have no choice but to deal with my ex's drama as it comes up. Over the last seven years, I and everyone around me has witnesses how he's enjoyed pulling strings and attempted to control me. It's been my ugly war that I've fought on my own with limited resources.

The depressing insight/reality check/conversation came up again the other day. It's ironic. I've been divorced for years, but my ex still is and will be a factor in my relationship status. IOW...he will likely keep any man away from me. Now this isn't news. I've always known that if I were in a relationship at some point my crazy ex would escalate his usual drama of financial threats and intimidation. But to hear it and have it pointed out...from the strongest men I've ever known? Fuck. Well...that pretty much sums up my assumption that there's little hope for me.

I've always known that any man who chose to stand with me in life would have to be a strong, competent, confident, and somewhat aggressive male just because of who and how I am. Not asking for much, am I? But the requirements are probably even harder. Reality is...Because he'd have to fight next to me in my battles against sociopath...he's probably going to have to be a fucking hero too.

And there just aren't that many heroes to be found now-a-days, are there?

-Kat

Time Out

It's been a little quieter the last couple days. I didn't realize, but I think I needed a time out. My mind's been going in about 50 different directions at full speed for weeks now. So much so that I haven't been able to get ahead of a damn thing.

The buzz. The adrenaline. Love it. However, the constant managed chaos hasn't give me much of a chance to put in order of all the pieces I'm dealing with. I'm still sure of all of the directions I'm going in. On many different levels they each feel right. Amazingly right.

I am being cautious though. I'm holding myself back enough to avoid crashing if things turn out not to be a good fit. As when with any thing there are strengths and weakness that I have to keep evaluating. The time out has given me a chance to look more logically at what I'm dealing with and get my feet back on firm ground.

Which is good, cuz I know I'll be running at full speed here in another few days.

Kat

Entertaining Fate

Fate...you really are a twisted wench.
With a sick sense of entertainment.

Were you amused at my response?

Did you think I would give in?

Is it a test? A pop quiz?

Did you need me to prove something?

No matter your game.

I have my own answers.

Maybe they will help me.

Or maybe I'm just a foolish girl.

But I'll live with the regrets I choose.

Not the empty ones you toss my way.

An easy reward.

A waste of time.

A meaningless game.

I chose not to play.

You toss me crumbs.

Assuming I'm starving.

I'm stronger than you must think.

I'm stronger than I realized.

Even at my weakest.

I made my best choice.

No regrets.

No apologies.

I'm sure the view was entertaining.

Did I amuse?

Or did you approve?

I doubt I'll ever know.

Are you my friend?

Only seeking to give me more answers.

Or are you my destruction?

Hoping to once again bring me to my knees.

-Kat

Searching for Answers

Usually I find answers quickly. Within moments. Hours. A day at most. I sort through it all and figure out how it all fits together. More often than not my instincts are exactly on point.

But recently the puzzles in my life have gotten exceedingly more difficult and the damn things have started to overlap. It's been weeks now, and I'm still just sorting through the pieces and trying to section them out into different groups. I'll get a few things put together and then I suddenly find another handful dropped on the table. *sigh*

I can't line it all up in my head nice and neat the way I'm use to. And given that it's taking so damn long, I just have to keep moving while trying to figure it all out. On top of it all...I don't even know what the damn picture is suppose to look like anymore. I thought I knew how some of the puzzles were suppose to appear, but none of them are turning out like I expected. With the small sections I've managed to put in place...the picture is more vivid than I thought possible.

I've had to find patience. More than I'm use to practicing. Patience with events. Patience with people. But more than anything, patience with myself. This time I don't have all the answers. Hell...I'm not sure I have ANY of the answers. lol I don't know what can be, what I can be, or what will happen.

I'm taking one day at a time. Sometimes one hour. I'm trying to be cautious and not fuck up while at the same time continuing my attempt to make sense out of the chaos.

Needless to say...I'm definitely not bored. lol ;-)

Katherine

Snap Back To Me

Woo-hoo! Woke up this morning no longer sick, so my sanity had returned. The pathetic wench in my head was easily gagged and pushed back into lock down.

This is what it is. I got what I got. Let's roll. No time or energy for wishing, wanting, needing things I can't or won't ever have. I need to just build I what's in my hands now.

Speaking of which...let's move on with the show.

-Kat

Random Thoughts Before Bed

Random thoughts...

• I don't think people realize how much I restrain myself from being a total bitch. Trust me...even if you think you've seen it. Ya haven't. Whatever I gave you was tempered and tame.
• I'm in a bit of a reckless, self-destructive mood. However, I think too damn much to act on it. Really spoils all of the fun. But I suppose it's in my best interest. Yeah...whatever.
• *sigh* If I give in to the darkness...
• Never underestimate the power of friendships or pancakes.
• Diversification helps a lot.

Sweet dreams.

-K.

What I'll Never Admit

I'm tired, feel like shit, and a little stressed out. Honesty, Kath...honesty...*sigh*

I hate being sick. Not just because of the typical "I don't feel good." No...it's because I don't have the strength to keep my own personal walls up. The weak, pathetic wench in my head that I keep in lock down gets to roam free and haunt me with her whiny, helpless need. God I really can't stand her. I have no way to satisfy her.

There are things that I crave that I will never admit out loud, at least not with any real emotion. Right now those things overwhelm me. I wish that when I had dragged my sorry ass home this afternoon that there were warm, strong arms to surround me. I wish I could curl up in a blanket on the couch with my head in someone's lap, his hand on my back or in my hair. Yes...even this bitch needs comfort and compassion once and a while. I don't have that in my life. I'm not sure I ever really have. But deep down in the place I don't let anyone see that I rarely even let myself admit, I wish desperately that I had love in my life.

My body aches to be held. To feel the warmth of another's touch. I feel like my bones are frozen stiff and that I'll never be thaw. The tears trail down my cheeks for the simplest of gestures. And I'm angry and helpless all at the same time. Or maybe I'm just angry at my helplessness to ever change this. I dunno.

I don't touch anymore. Well...at least not very often. I'm naturally very affectionate, but I hold myself back from causal touches because it only reminds of the need for true love and affection that I keep smothered. My hands itch to feel someone. To rest my palm against a cheek, or an arm, or to lay quietly on a chest. I just need to feel for a moment that I'm not so fuckin' alone.

Fuck...I hate this. I hate wanting things I can't have. I hate feeling needs I can't satisfy. I don't want to want or need anything...it only makes things worse. It only reminds me of how little I have.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Ya know...I'm so pissed that I feel this way. I've somehow managed to find some bits of hope here and there that things might get better. I'm optimistic something might work out. And to feel like this is a shitty of waste of time and energy. I don't have time to feel weak. I don't have time to be distracted by useless emotions.

But god...what I'd give right now to be held with love and affection and comfort...

Kath

Walking Down Memory Lane

The last couple of days - actually couple of weeks - there's been a number of quick trips down memory lane. Some sweet. Some painful. After years of trying to put my past in the right perspective and to accept what is and is not now...taking that little walk isn't really something I enjoy.

There are places I don't need to revisit. It's not that I'm ignoring my mistakes or my past, but I've found my peace and forgiven myself for my weaknesses and failures.

Yes. There is beauty and laughter and joy there as well. Some I will never forget. Some have been the only thing that carried me through my darkest hours. But I can't live in those moments either.

I am here today. Looking at now and tomorrow. Next week. And next year. I have what I have within my reach now. I will not hold on to dreams I've let go of, and I try very hard not to allow past mistakes effect today. If something is not real now or possible tomorrow, then it is not something I can emotionally afford to spend time, effort, or energy in exploring or rehashing. I just can't. I have to build on what I have. And given that so much has crumbled in the last few years, I have a lot of construction I must accomplish if I'm ever to do more than just survive.

While I will honor the moments I have always cherished, I have to get to a place where I can feel joy and hope in the present tense. With who, what, how, and when that will happen...I don't have those answers yet.

But I'll know them when I find them.

-Katherine

Throwing Open A Window

My blog is a giant window into my head. It captures whatever emotion or state of mind I am in in that exact moment. The writing lets me process it all and put it to rest or find answers that were lost in the haze. (Damn...I still miss the old space a bit.)

I've been blogging for 6 years. Well...five if you subtract the year I went into complete silence. I've met some fabulous people along the way. And I've managed to keep myself sane at times when there was no place else to turn.

For the most part, this is a very separate corner of my reality. Only a few overlap. The honesty I let myself have here is not something 99% of the people I know can cope with. Quite frankly, in our day to day lives we really don't want to know those around us. That much knowledge comes with responsibility. And let's face it, it's easier to be ignorant and careless. But I also dread being seen as a burden to those I care about.

The anonymity of my blog(s) tempers that responsibility tremendously. If your not a part of my life, there's not a lot of responsibility involved. If you don't know, there's little risk for either of us.

*sigh* Yes...I'm processing. Someone important to me asked for my blog address this afternoon. I didn't expect it. It had never been a point of interest. I couldn't help but feel some anxiety. This is where I don't force myself to hold back or be correct or spare feelings. This is a written vortex of me...where everything blends into chaos. This is my selfish, indulgent gift to myself. Where my voice can echo, whisper, crash, scream, ponder, and cry. I refuse to censor here. Not again. Not for anyone.

So...am I okay with throwing open this window?

Yes. The few that overlap have always honored and respected my trust. I know that will be repeated. But I am worried that it will be too much. LOL That is always my issue isn't it? Being too much.

But the truth is the truth. My craziness is my craziness. It's always your choice to read or ignore. So here we go...let's see what happens.

-Kat

The Purest Thing

I wasn't braced.

I was unprepared.

To go back.

To remember.

To see.

Only a moment's memory.

But even the memory echoes.

The purest thing.

I've ever felt.

I've ever done.

Nothing has compared.

Before or since.

I closed my eyes.

The visions burst to life.

Vivid and powerful.

The strength.

The passion.

The sweet absolute emotion.

Nothing has compared.

Before or since.

But you took away that hope.

And I quietly put away that dream.

You left me no choice.

I wonder why you brought it up.

I wonder what it means to you.

The questions I won't ask.

The answers you won't give.

And so I open my eyes.

I wipe away the couple of tears.

And we go on as we are now.

With the purest thing

Always quietly between us.

Katherine

Placing My Bets

I'm not feeling that well, so I know I'm not in the best frame of mind. After talking with a very old friend of mine, catching up on her life and times...well, I'm not sure that helped me in the least. I'm left feeling very sad and empty. Maybe it was the rewind of so many fun and very filled moments, maybe it was discussing the loss of children as the grow older and build their own lives or maybe it was facing again my greatest loss. All I know is that I failed to anticipate the negative impact that conversation would have on me.

I'm crashing a little right now. I'm questioning some of my recent choices. I'm wavering on the likelihood of any of the opportunities in front of me coming to fruition. I feel as if I'm on the brink - on the steep narrow summit - of both possible success and failure. And I'm waiting for the wind of fate to blow through and determine which way I will fall. I don't want to fail again, but I'm not sure there really is a way for me to win. I know that in life...there are no rewards without risk. I've placed bets many times only to lose, but at some point the odds are that you have to get a win, right?

*sigh* This isn't the life I wanted, but I do believe it was always the life I was meant to have. Maybe I've just done an extraordinarily shit-ass job of making anything out of it. The question I keep asking myself is...am I making better choices now? Or just carelessly betting on a game I know nothing about.

Kat

Did the Universe Shift?

Sooooo...I'm not sure what the fuck is going on lately. It's like the universe has shifted and every star is lining up. It seems as if suddenly everyone is making it a point to ask for my advice and recommendations AND taking it! I know longer have to wait three months to try it my way. Wow...

On top of that, opportunities seem to be stacking up like mad. And I'm desperately trying to shift some of my eggs into other baskets. One basket has held all my eggs for too fuckin' long and nothing has ever hatched. Time for a little diversification! Wow...

Maybe everyone knows I'm dying and no one wants to be the one to tell me. lol

In the meantime...WOO-FUCKIN-HOO!!! :-D

-K.

Another Shadow

I'm not sure I can do it.

Let go.

The trust isn't there.

The hope non-existent.

You are a part of my life.

But you are not in my life.

Another slice.

Another shadow.

Do I really need another?

The moments are real,

But not real life.

Stolen.

Borrowed.

Tender and warm.

Yet fleeting.

I keep my own counsel.

Do you even realize?

To shrug off the openings I allow,

Will cost you the prize.

I'm stronger than the others.

I will not beg.

I will not plead.

Are you there?

Or too busy with you?

Your choices.

Your priorities.

Will limit my ability to give.

And diminish our possibilities.

I've learned that lesson.

I won't repeat my past.

I deserve more.

Kat

Old Wounds

I didn't realize that the knowledge wasn't there.

So I ran into the question like a brick wall.

Now I'm on my knees.

Trying to catch my breath.

Wondering if I've destroyed a huge chunk of the little beauty I have.

To go back.

Even for a moment.

Reopens the wound.

The smear of its ugliness still taints me.

No amount of time.

No amount of distance.

Will ever completely wash away the horror.

My failure.

My weakness.

My sin.

The crushing fall of memories.

The explanation that's never enough.

The bitter taste it all leaves behind.

I'm falling.

But there's no one to catch me.

No more tears to fall.

No more punishment to take.

Yet the tragedy will never completely relinquish its burning grip.

Katherine

Trippin' Down Memory Lane

My aunt posted a ton of old pictures on facebook this morning. Pictures from when I was 10 and we were all on my dad's boat to pictures of my babies from 10 years ago. Going through those was such a kick, but there's was a little fall too.

Those that were gone - my dad and grandfather. As well as a life left behind.

I wonder what my Dad would think of my life. I doubt he'd say anything, but it would be obvious to him (just as it's obvious to anyone that takes a look) that I don't have much to show for these 37+ years but the journey itself. And that bitch hasn't been easy and has left some scars.

About six months ago I dreamed of my dad. That's only happened a handful of times since his death 21 years ago, so it usually holds some significance. In the dream...the apartment attic was burning. I could hear the crackle as it moved through the ceiling, and I was attempting to get everyone out. My Dad was at the dining room table. He spoke to me...

"You know you were abused right?"

"Yes. I've figured that out." I replied.

"You know it would be so much easier if you just let us love you."

"I don't know how to be any other way, but this." I replied.

Then I was out the door to try and find Ranger to get help getting everyone out. Never did find him. lol Weirdest part of all this...the dream was right before all the dumb shit went down with the apartment. Talk about the ceiling crumbling around someone. Anyway...

*sigh* Yep, my ex was a dick. And yes...it's hard for me to let anyone love me. No...not just hard. I actually don't have a clue how to do it. How do you let someone love you? Someone please give me a manual because I haven't the faintest idea.

One of the pics she posted had a picture of my family with my grandparents. Must have been taken either 1999 or 2000. God...my babies were so beautiful. lol My arms ached to hold their little bodies in my lap again. And then I looked at my ex-husbands face...I was still lost then. I still believed he was the man I wanted him to be and that I was the failure.

There was no anger or tears. Just sadness. For the woman I used to be. For the dreams that were broken from the start. And for the dreams I've lost the chance to have.

My chance for family is over. I know...I'm still a mom. I'm still a daughter. I'm still a friend. But I'll never have that home filled with the chaos and love of a good man and children. I tried for so long to stay and make that dream a reality, but it was an illusion that was slowly killing me. I don't regret my decision to walk away. I just regret that I wasn't smarter in the first place.

I think these are the two hardest part about my search for hope...chasing a different dream and building something out of nothing. *sigh*

I'm not sure if I'm on the right track. I just know I have to keep moving. Staying in one place has never gotten me anywhere.

Katherine

Finding My Place

There's no point in denying who you are. Whether it's your strengths, your weaknesses, your personality, your sexuality...refusing to accept the truth will get you no where.

Yes, I believe people can change if THEY want it enough. But too often change is considered being someone or something else. We can't grow a third arm. Why would anyone expect such a radical alteration in someone's mentality?

At various points in my life, I've repressed pieces of myself. Or tried at least. lol And always failed. Each time was an effort to please someone else. To gain their approval and acceptance. To not fail.

It's a terrible feeling to do your best and still fail miserably.

I've finally accepted the obvious. I am not for everyone. I've never wanted to be. But often times I've become involved in situations I believed in passionately, only to realize the other individuals associated with the process couldn't accept my approach. Oh they liked my results. They fuckin' loved my results. But I wasn't the woman they expected. I didn't conduct myself demurely or submissively enough for their tastes.

Over the last 18 months, I mistakenly tried to adjust myself to blend in. I stopped moving forward and hid myself in a corner. I gave others the knowledge to accomplish goals, the direction to move forward, and the ideas to strengthen positions. But I gained nothing...I simply tried to survive.

My goal now is continued survival while expanding my internal horizons. I seek to discover and fine tune who and what I am, so that eventually I may find a place where I belong.

Katherine

Instinct

Every once and a great while, there is someone that from the moment you meet, talk, or see...you just know.

The potential for an amazing and vibrant journey pulses. It's the possibility for fun, excitement, and even TROUBLE that only exists in very special and true friendships. The electricity just thrives, waiting for both to grab a hold and let it spring to life.

I deliberately held myself back from one of these connections oh-so-long-ago. It wasn't the time, the place, or the circumstances. And in the many occasions that followed, I continued to hold back. Age and experience has made me overly cautious. When presented again with the opportunity...I finally got honest with myself. After much soul searching, I couldn't deny my desire to open the door and see where it led.

I let is spring to life.

No regrets. Even now.

Another dangles on the very, very edge of possibility. Ooooh...but I can already sense the recklessness that friendship would bring out in me. That door that I keep firmly locked down and chained for fear of chaos would disintegrate entirely in an instant. lol

Fuck...I'm so damn tempted. Hehehe

Kat

Wating, Watching, and Hoping

I've been careless with my mind.

I've been careless with my body.

But I've never been careless with my heart.

I've been careless with my trust.

I've been careless with pleasure.

But I've never been careless with being in love.

I've been careless with my esteem.

I've been careless with lust.

But I've never been careless with my soul.

Now...I'm no longer careless with any pieces of me.

So I'm waiting, watching, and hoping.

Katherine

What To Do With Her

She's hard to recognize.

It's been so long.

Possibly decades even.

I don't know what to do with her.

I'm unsure how to respond.

How to cope.

I'm afraid.

To give in.

To accept.

But what if...

Do I want her here?

Do I need her here?

Can I risk her here?

So unfamiliar.

Someone I hardly know.

She'll want things I can't give her.

A weakness.

A luxury I can't afford.

A reality I can barely face.

So...sweet.

So...gentle.

So...fuckin' damn fragile.

Tell me...

Can I protect her again?

Or will she only bring me tears?

Could her reappearance destroy me?

I've had to stay strong.

No choice.

No rest.

To fight.

To breathe.

To survive.

She could force me to my knees.

She could unravel my armor.

She would let open the gates.

I love her.

I hate her.

But I think I need her.

She may be my only hope.

Maybe it's time I let her stay.

I just don't know what to do with...

The softer side of me.

Katherine

Learning Not To Gag

Corporate Dick Sucking:

A lot like the real thing...

1. Sometimes ya just have to close your eyes and do it.
2. You get better with practice.
3. You get nauseous if you do it too many times in one day.

I should probably learn to spit instead of swallow, huh? Hehehe

Kat

P.S. Needed to toss some of the smartass me in here. Getting a little too heavy. ;-)

Friends & The Best Medicine

I went out for dinner and drinks tonight with Mr. Sarcasm. Oh man, laughed so much and so hard. I'm now, but the smile on my face hasn't faded. Laughter truly is one of life's best forms of medicine. Not that I was down or anything. I've a good day. Lots of good conversations. Restful.

But spending an hour or two laughing lightens my soul and makes me forget all the thinking I tend to get lost in.

Mr. Sarcasm is one of the few good things out of last year. I met him walking the dog, and his quick wit and smartass comments convinced me to take a chance. I took his email address, and we quickly became good friends. No drama. No pressure. Just two people sharing some time now and then.

And I took another step tonight. The Last Boy Scout told me the other night that I need to get out of lock down mode. I'm a paranoid bitch. lol I'm cautious to the point that I won't give out my number, and unless I know you real well you won't know my address. I let Mr. Sarcasm pick me up tonight. We've known each other six months now, and tonight was the first night he was in my driveway.

The Last Boy Scout had a point. I do need to let down my guard a little bit, and let in those that care and who deserve my trust. I've found though that few people deserve my trust. No...few people deserve my complete trust. I tend to give only slices of myself to those around me. The pieces I can trust them with. They have to earn it. It's not given freely. And once they fuck up, another slice is shaved off.

But maybe the pot I'm pulling from is a little...spoiled. In the last four years, my "friends" have all pretty much stemmed from the office. Not necessarily a bad thing, but too many piece then overlap. I've paid for that overlap in many ways.

I need to branch out more. Have a bit of diversity in my circle. Mr. Sarcasm has definitely added a great flavor to the mix. The Last Boyscout too...smart, funny, kind. *sigh*

There's hope in some of the people around me. Not necessarily for grandiose accomplishments, but for moments of laughter and joy.

Katherine

Testing the Dark

The ache.

The need.

The stark craving.

It called to me.

For a fulfillment that had never been met.

To push my limits.

To see how far I could go.

Could I let it seduce me?

The dark desires.

I surrendered to the pain.

Let myself exist only in the moment.

Abandoning my fears.

And found a sweet sense of freedom in the end.

Katherine

The Sting

The sharp sting of pain.

I wasn't ready.

I didn't see it coming.

Not a brutal blow.

Just a quick unexpected slice that drew blood.

And forced me to hold back hot tears.

Unintentional.

An error in judgement.

A failure to communicate.

Yet that couldn't stop the bleeding.

Heal the wound.

Or take away the ache.

I wasn't allowed retreat.

I couldn't save my pride.

My wound was bare and exposed.

I was bare and exposed.

Few have witnessed my pain.

Even fewer have stood by my side,

To help heal the wounds.

Not abandoned.

No attempt at flight.

No avoidance.

A refusal to walk away.

I was allowed my voice.

A determination to sort through it all.

My pain's existence was recognized.

A willingness to accept responsibility.

No intent to brush away my emotions.

He wouldn't give up on me.

On what might be.

Katherine

A Little Bit of Hope

A little bit of hope looks like my Mustang sitting in front of the office when I walk outside.

A little bit of hope sounds like my 88 Mustang starting up.

A little bit of hope feels like shifting through the gears and feelin her (me) beg for clean dry roads.

*sigh*

Gotta love a little bit of hope. :-)

Kat

P.S. Sorry for the repost from FB, but the blog's a bit better at archiving. lol

How do you love?

I'm asking myself if I could ever fall in love again.

I've only done it once. And it stuck. For a very, very long time.

The roller coaster of being in love...The joy, the pain, the purity, the absoluteness at my age scares the fuckin' shit out of me. Whether it's for a moment or years, if given the opportunity I'm just not sure I have the courage go through all that again.

I'm not even sure HOW to love. Sounds foolish I know. But in so many ways and for so many reasons, I don't trust myself to do it right. Regardless of post relationship conversations, I still feel as if I must not have done it right that one time. I gave that everything I had, but he still walked away more times than I can count regardless of what we felt for each other. And my marriage...while I was never in love with him, I did give it what I had to give. That was never good enough though.

I feel like I have no experience I could even draw from. The few men I've met and spent time with over the last seven years...yeah, not love. Not even much caring really. More like passing interest that always died a quick death.

How do we know how to love?

How do we know the right steps to take on the journey?

Is there a right way and wrong way?

For better or worse, when something matters to me I don't know how to do it half-assed. So if I let myself fall in love, I know I'd once again risk soul again. And the pain that can be found with that kind of exposure...it can be fuckin' brutal.

Where do we find that kind of courage to go another round? Is it really just another form of hope? An attempt to place faith in another human being?

Does that mean in order to fall again, I'd have to find hope?

Or could I find hope in falling in love again?

Katherine

Hope Vs. Love

DBeem191 suggested in my first post that "Maybe hope is like love...something that you don't seek, but it shows up when you least expect it."

I panicked a little when I first read that. If she was right, I was doomed. I haven't had a lot of luck in my life when it comes to love. Hell...I haven't had a lot of luck period, but this is suppose to stay in a positive direction....

I've thought about it the last couple days. She's right. Hope can show up unexpectedly. But I believe it can be found and created as well. What's different between love and hope is that in order for love to follow traditional success it requires some type of cooperation with another human being - that cooperation is usually the most challenging aspect.

That's not the case with hope. Hope is a positive force that allows us to believe something good or better is in the future. That can exist in many aspects of life - of course love/relationships, career, family, friends, achievements, goals, etc.

My problem is that very few if any aspects of my life have much hope for one reason or another. And for the most part haven't for quite some time. The constant negative drag obliterated any hope or faith that I once had.

But given that there's so many options, if I try hard enough I've GOT to be able to find something, right?

Even if it's just a tiny flame...just a teeny bit of warmth to help build a bit of momentum.

Huh. Maybe that would be hoping for hope.

I wonder if that counts as finding some? lol

Kat

Stepping Forward

Shit. I am emotionally exhausted. It's been a long ass day. But I didn't bitch. I didn't trip. I didn't let 'em see me down. Just handled my business and kept my mouth shut. *sigh* But it was immediately clear that I've got to do something.

So instead of just thinking about it and tossing the idea around in my head, I took some baby steps forward tonight. *sigh*

I'm considering going back to school.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

lol

As you can see I'm not jumping for joy at the prospect. 1. I'm fuckin' tired. Adding school in the mix?!? 2. I could be wrong, but I'm not sure I really consider it more than just a fuckin' piece of paper. And that annoys me.

But as the Last Boyscout (hmmm...still not sure if that's the right name) explained to me today, that paper could be worth about $25,000 a year. Not a bad deal, right? *sigh*

The other thing is that I'll have to swallow my damn pride. Errrrr... And not just for a minute, but for a while. But, in the words of both Ranger and the Last Boyscout...

"Do I wanna be right? Or do I wanna win?"

Yeah...it scares me when the same words come out of both their mouths. lol

Kat

Searching for Moments

I mentioned that in general last year pretty much sucked with the exception of a one possibility that I've yet to understand how will play out. But there are always "moments" - even if they are few and far between. That bit of time where you feel joy, peace, happiness, possibly love without any hesitation or restrictions or doubt. It's pure.

I've always thought that life should be a sum of those moments. But as the years have gone by I've learned to hold back, to hesitate, to doubt everything. I've lost so much trust in people and fate. I no longer remember how to open myself up in order to feel. Too many times I've dropped my guard only to get sucker punched in the mouth.

This morning I tried to come up with moments in the last three or four months, and I can only come up with two.

When he held my hand walking to dinner. I didn't expect it. I wasn't prepared. But I just let it happen and enjoyed the moment. It wasn't complicated. I didn't have to think it through, question why, interpret what it meant, doubt his intentions, wonder where it might lead, or worry about the damn consequences. I absorbed the moment - warmth and peace of basic friendship and kindness. Something so simple, yet so rare in my life.

When that beautiful, fat puppy stepped through my door late one night. Instantly all the ugliness that had suffocated me for days disappeared. I didn't hesitate to plop on the floor and play and love and laugh. Ooh and ahhh. Be silly and affectionate. I didn't have to hold back. I didn't have to protect anyone from my emotions. I didn't have to be the responsible grown up. I didn't fuckin' have to be strong in adversity. For a moment I was just me. I don't know if he knew at the time how much it would mean to me when he brought Ari over to visit. If he knew how much it would help. But I think that's the only thing that kept me from breaking apart that week. For a moment there was nothing but pure joy.

Maybe I'm naive. Maybe this is how things are suppose to be as we get older. Maybe holding back and thinking everything through is what's expected in maturity. With every year, is our lesson to learn how fucked up everything and everyone really is? God...I don't want to be that cynical. I don't want to smother and beat down my emotions. But I do it to protect myself.

So maybe that's really the problem. Maybe I need to find a safe place to exist and safe people to surround myself with.

Honestly...in my day-to-day life...I have neither. *sigh*

Katherine

Where to Begin?

In September, I lost the last chunks of my foundation. They were shaky to begin with, but I clung to them hoping to weather the storms that surrounded me.

In December within a 48 hour time frame, my apartment was broken into during broad daylight and my car gave up the fight. There went safety and basic transportation. (The transportation part might be resolved soon with some significant help from Ranger.)

My career is at a standstill. In fact it wouldn't surprise me in the least to find myself unemployed in the next month.

My circle of friends has narrowed. The last year has shown me who's real and who likes to talk a pretty game. And some I'm happy to say have found their place in the world and are building beautiful dreams for themselves.

Family, while I love them dearly, is a mess. One I can not unwind no matter what I might like to do. My only goal is not to add to the chaos.

So I'm left trying to figure out where to begin. Where exactly does hope exist? Yes, I know it has to come from within me. But where? Is it hiding? Or is it gone, and I have to lure it back? Or do I have to light a new flicker of hope? And if so, what do I need to do that?

Hope seems to me to be directly tied to the future. I hope for X. I hope Y happens. I hope someday Z. I can't remember the last time I genuinely uttered a phrase like that. How do you figure out what to dream after all your dreams have shattered? Can you really dream a different dream?

I know that however hope exists, it can only begin with me. So I'm asking myself a lot of questions like what, where, how, when, who. No answers for any of those yet, but I've at least started a "not" list. lol Not there. Not then. Not that. Etc.

Maybe if I keep narrowing down that list, a place to start will be clear.

Kat

Resurrecting Hope

I need to find hope again.

I haven't had any in a very long time.

The impact of the last few years drained the well dry, and I've survived only because of my sheer stubborn refusal to quit. Keep breathing. Keep moving. Keep sane. But survival is all I've managed to accomplish. It's time I found a way out of the cave I've shuttered myself in.

Last month, The Last Boyscout told me I needed to have faith. I had to explain that I didn't have either faith or hope anymore. I exist only on what is. "You need to find some." was his response. I doubt he realized the impact that simple statement would have on me. His words have stuck with me, rattling around in my head again and again.

His response reminded me of something Ranger's been telling me for years. "Without hope you die."

Ranger was right. I've known it all along. I've been slowly dying for years now. My body still breathes. My heart still beats. But my spirit has curled into a dark corner to lick its wounds and guard the crumbled pieces that remain. My spirit no longer soars, no longer sings, no longer grabs and shakes the shit out of life. I am a shadow of what I've been, what I should be - what I could be.

Overall, it's been a shitty couple of weeks, a rough few years, and a horrible decade. Yes, there have been moments of joy, of accomplishment, of new beginnings, of finding pieces I thought were lost. Enough to keep me going, but not enough to grow stronger and build dreams. I don't even remember how to dream. *sigh*

But I survived to see the New Year - given my recent luck I wasn't sure that was likely. lol I promised myself a few days ago that if I saw January first I'd start writing again. The process feeds my soul and frees my spirit. Once before it was a vehicle for significant change and a rediscovery of hope.

Maybe it will be again.

Katherine