Quiet day so far. I needed the down time. Yesterday was crazy busy, and I didn't get nearly enough taken care of. But the time was well spent exploring new opportunities for later this year.

So much has changed in a very short time. I've taken several different roads, and only time will tell where they may lead. I am at heart very down-to-earth with simple needs. I don't have grand dreams of wealth, fame or material excess nor of fairy tale happily-ever-afters, hundreds of friends, or powerful positions. I simply seek peace, hope, and a little happiness once and a while in an out of the way cottage by the woods with a some fun and adventure with those I care for most tossed in now and again.

Simple dreams. But neither I nor anyone around me would ever call me a simple girl. Nope. I'm complicated as fuck and so is my life. Most of the time I forget how complicated.

But as I think about it, there really isn't much of my life that is simple to explain.

My children...complicated.

My family...complicated.

My best friend...complicated.

My job...complicated.

My friends...complicated.

My past...complicated.

My home...complicated.

My car...complicated.

And my sex/love life...oh yeah, guess what...complicated.

Hell...even my dog is slightly complicated.

Most of the time I don't give a damn, as I rarely explain to anyone the other pieces of me. There are very few people close enough to me to get past my walls and see inside me or my life. They get what they get, and they don't need to worry about what's going on in all the other pieces of my life because it's really not their business.

But there are a few that have made it past my outer shell to see more of me. When they ask simple questions...it's nearly impossible to give a simple response. Most of the time, I'm not sure how much they even care to know. I definitely never know where to start. There is no beginning, middle, or end to any of it. And at this point I don't even have clear boundaries between the pieces of my life because they've all somehow begun to overlap.

*sigh*

Messy. Complicated. Me.

I stick with my core beliefs of honesty and straight-forward answers. But I sometimes wonder how much people can really take. And how much of the truth they truly want. Most aren't as strong or as flexible as they believe themselves to be, and sometimes the truth of me is more than they can understand or accept.

And somehow I don't see my life getting anything but more complicated as the months and years go by.

-Katherine

Dreams Left Behind

I've learned over the last ten years or so to keep things real, to accept the truth, and not to pretend. Hopes and dreams are wonderful as long as they are based on reality and what can truly be...not on altering universes. No matter how beautiful those hopes and dreams could be, you'll only end up with emptiness and pain.

Yes. I would many change many things if I could. But I am who I am, and I have the life that I live. Gradual adjustments/improvement can happen, but radical changes aren't even remotely likely.

Over the last week, there have been moments when I wondered what it would be like to find home. But that dream was lost long ago in the choices I and others have made. I know, I'll never again find home. It's a beautiful dream that belongs to others and not to me.

I don't waste time resenting. I have no anger or hate. How can I when I see and hear the joy that others have found? I'm happy for them. It's a rare and beautiful to just witness from the periphery. It brings me peace to know they have so much.

I'll never have what some are truly blessed with. And that's okay. I don't believe I was ever meant to. My dream is different now. More practical. Simple really. To enjoy and make the most of the moments and the opportunities I am given. Nothing more. Nothing less.

When I look back on my life in my final days, I will string together those moments. Take each one out and cherish the brief time I had with those that mattered most to me. No one can take those away from me.

*sigh*

-K.

Good Technique

There's an art to good phone sex. Really. There is.

And when it's good...damn. Sexy as fuckin' hell.

Hearing a man's voice drop and get husky. Knowing what he's doing.

Yum.

Kat

Then Everything Melts A Little

It always stuns me for a moment. I guess I just never expect it. But suddenly it's there, and my brain waves blip silent, my heart skips, and my breath catches.

Then everything melts a little.

I never know how to respond. It's important. It matters to me. I can't treat that precious gift carelessly. But I never know what to say.

I can't help but pull it inside and let it warm me. It's goes straight to that hidden secret place I barely let myself feel. It just sinks in and touches my soul for a moment.

I never know why it happens either. What I've done. What I've said. I don't know. I try not to question. And just accept. But I really just don't understand. How is it possible? Why me? What does it means?

Somehow I'm vulnerable when it happens. It's like I let a door swing open that I shouldn't have. I can feel the fresh breeze, but that moment of insecurity unnerves me. *sigh* But I'm trying to learn to just let it be. And not ask questions. And just accept gracefully.

-Katherine

She Can Take It

If you have any strength, people seem to completely disregard that you might have feelings or needs. Natural considerations and efforts given freely to "regular people" are ignored. I feel as though people look at me and think "I don't have to be nice. She can take it." I believe I'd have to leave pools of fucking blood trailing behind me before anyone would notice I might need some attention.

*sigh* I'm tired. I'm bruised, battered, and wore the fuck out mentally and emotionally from trying to cushion every interaction I have and attempting to make everyone else feel warm and fuzzy. Logically I figure people give back what they get. No. It's not true. People are selfish and take and take and take. I smile through it. "You want more? What else can I do for you?" Then I crawl under the covers to curl up and hide.

Ya know I don't want or need a lot. Really. I'm not an emotionally greedy bitch. I've spent most of my entire adult life learning to live without. But fuck...a little kindness? A bit of consideration? A fraction of interest in something other than yourself? An small offer to help out without expecting anything in return?

I watch everyone scurry to make the gentle, weaker ones feel all cherished and cared for. They're reassured, cosseted, and sheltered, while I stand ignored in the brutal cold. I keep trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Why doesn't anyone believe I deserve a few of the little things?

If they saw the tears I keep hidden, would they try?

If they saw the pain I bury, would they care?

If they saw the hurt I brush away, would they reconsider?

Somehow I doubt it. My instincts tell me they'd secretly relish my weakness because it would help them feel superior and powerful. "Ha! That bitch finally falls."

Fuck. I just wish I could walk away from it all and let everyone else try to pick up all the pieces. But I don't have that luxury. I have to keep fighting. I have to play the game. And survive off the pieces of kindness I steal from others.

*sigh* It's been a long couple of weeks with few breaks. I know I'm wore the fuck out and need some hibernation time to recover, but I'm afraid if I shut down that I won't be able to open the doors again to anyone or anything.

-K.

Moving Forward

I haven't fallen this time. It's brushed my mind many times, but my demons haven't overtaken me. I've stayed focus on now. On here. I didn't let the past drag down me down to the smothering shadows and the ugly truth.

I've accepted that I can't change the past.

I've forgiven myself for what I couldn't see or change.

It's taken me years to get to this point.

For the first time in ten years, I haven't surrendered.

-Kath

Crossing Lines

The lines are no longer clear and cut.

The divisions have blurred.

The lives have overlapped.

No harm.

No foul.

Yet the shift is still in motion.

I've never blended.

I've never shared.

The pieces of me.

A slice here.

A slice there.

Maybe an occasional peek at my soul.

An overlap of roles.

Mixing the pieces.

Who do I need to be?

What will survive?

What will bleed out?

What piece of me will be there in the end?

Or is there a chance?

To be all of me?

To bring my pieces together?

To find harmony.

To find strength.

In all that I am, and everything I could be.

-Katherine

To Be Strong

"You are the strongest woman I know." Over the last few years, I've heard that a number of times. While I consider it a compliment, I really don't know what I do that makes me so damn strong. I've never done anything amazing or truly daring or historic. I just fuckin' survive.

But one thing frustrates the hell out of me. It sometimes feels that because others see me as strong, they feel it is acceptable to be careless with me. People seem to fail to grasp that while I may rarely fuckin' flinch, I feel every lash, every slice, and every punch they and world throw at me.

Maybe it's my fault that they are careless then. Am I the one to blame when someone is rude, thoughtless, or fails to pay attention to my needs? I will rarely call anyone out on their carelessness. But I do fuckin' take note. And as the tally rises, they receive less and less of me. Some don't even realize it because I feed them the same careless bullshit they feed me.

Now I will and often do call people out on their bullshit. This is different from careless. Bullshit's more direct. No. I don't let that pass by unchecked.

But maybe I shouldn't let the careless stuff go by either. I've always taken the stance that someone's intentional consideration is a gift and reflects what they genuinely feel for me as a person, a friend, a lover, anything... And to have force someone to be considerate would not be real. They would only do something because I asked/demanded.

I'd rather it all be real. I want to know who that person is inside. How they treat others and especially me is a reflects who they are. And I want to know how they honestly feel about me. Not pretend or mislead. I never want fake.

*sigh* A vicious cycle, huh? I suppose it all boils down that I am the way I am. It's sad really...even the ones closest to me will never realize how much their actions or words have hurt me. I'll bury the pain and show 'em a smile. :-)

-Kat

Your Choice

This could be what ever you want it to be.

How far do you want to take it?

How far are you willing to go?

Do you have the strength?

Do you have the focus?

To make the most of it.

What if you could have it all?

Would it be too much?

Could you handle it?

Would you be willing?

To work for it.

To change.

And if you had it all.

Would it be enough?

So many places to take this.

So many ways to grow.

One chance.

The choice is yours.

How much or how little this becomes...

Is all up to you.

-Kat

If It Was You & Me...

At this age, we all carry baggage. Some of it just is, some of it we struggle to leave behind, and some of the burden follows you around no matter how often you try to stuff it in a fuckin dumpster. I've done pretty well in the last couple of years of losing some key pieces. Which is good. But I usually forget how heavy my baggage still is until someone reminds me of the mess and threat that always walks behind me.

Throughout the the last seven year plus years, I've gotten a depressing insight/reality check from a couple of my closest male friends. It goes something like..."If it was me and you, your ex would be a problem." *sigh* Just what a girl wants to hear.

Not necessarily a problem between me and him, but a recognition of a battle that he'd have to fight if he were my partner. And not a very simple or pleasant battle at that.

I have no choice but to deal with my ex's drama as it comes up. Over the last seven years, I and everyone around me has witnesses how he's enjoyed pulling strings and attempted to control me. It's been my ugly war that I've fought on my own with limited resources.

The depressing insight/reality check/conversation came up again the other day. It's ironic. I've been divorced for years, but my ex still is and will be a factor in my relationship status. IOW...he will likely keep any man away from me. Now this isn't news. I've always known that if I were in a relationship at some point my crazy ex would escalate his usual drama of financial threats and intimidation. But to hear it and have it pointed out...from the strongest men I've ever known? Fuck. Well...that pretty much sums up my assumption that there's little hope for me.

I've always known that any man who chose to stand with me in life would have to be a strong, competent, confident, and somewhat aggressive male just because of who and how I am. Not asking for much, am I? But the requirements are probably even harder. Reality is...Because he'd have to fight next to me in my battles against sociopath...he's probably going to have to be a fucking hero too.

And there just aren't that many heroes to be found now-a-days, are there?

-Kat

Time Out

It's been a little quieter the last couple days. I didn't realize, but I think I needed a time out. My mind's been going in about 50 different directions at full speed for weeks now. So much so that I haven't been able to get ahead of a damn thing.

The buzz. The adrenaline. Love it. However, the constant managed chaos hasn't give me much of a chance to put in order of all the pieces I'm dealing with. I'm still sure of all of the directions I'm going in. On many different levels they each feel right. Amazingly right.

I am being cautious though. I'm holding myself back enough to avoid crashing if things turn out not to be a good fit. As when with any thing there are strengths and weakness that I have to keep evaluating. The time out has given me a chance to look more logically at what I'm dealing with and get my feet back on firm ground.

Which is good, cuz I know I'll be running at full speed here in another few days.

Kat

Entertaining Fate

Fate...you really are a twisted wench.
With a sick sense of entertainment.

Were you amused at my response?

Did you think I would give in?

Is it a test? A pop quiz?

Did you need me to prove something?

No matter your game.

I have my own answers.

Maybe they will help me.

Or maybe I'm just a foolish girl.

But I'll live with the regrets I choose.

Not the empty ones you toss my way.

An easy reward.

A waste of time.

A meaningless game.

I chose not to play.

You toss me crumbs.

Assuming I'm starving.

I'm stronger than you must think.

I'm stronger than I realized.

Even at my weakest.

I made my best choice.

No regrets.

No apologies.

I'm sure the view was entertaining.

Did I amuse?

Or did you approve?

I doubt I'll ever know.

Are you my friend?

Only seeking to give me more answers.

Or are you my destruction?

Hoping to once again bring me to my knees.

-Kat

Searching for Answers

Usually I find answers quickly. Within moments. Hours. A day at most. I sort through it all and figure out how it all fits together. More often than not my instincts are exactly on point.

But recently the puzzles in my life have gotten exceedingly more difficult and the damn things have started to overlap. It's been weeks now, and I'm still just sorting through the pieces and trying to section them out into different groups. I'll get a few things put together and then I suddenly find another handful dropped on the table. *sigh*

I can't line it all up in my head nice and neat the way I'm use to. And given that it's taking so damn long, I just have to keep moving while trying to figure it all out. On top of it all...I don't even know what the damn picture is suppose to look like anymore. I thought I knew how some of the puzzles were suppose to appear, but none of them are turning out like I expected. With the small sections I've managed to put in place...the picture is more vivid than I thought possible.

I've had to find patience. More than I'm use to practicing. Patience with events. Patience with people. But more than anything, patience with myself. This time I don't have all the answers. Hell...I'm not sure I have ANY of the answers. lol I don't know what can be, what I can be, or what will happen.

I'm taking one day at a time. Sometimes one hour. I'm trying to be cautious and not fuck up while at the same time continuing my attempt to make sense out of the chaos.

Needless to say...I'm definitely not bored. lol ;-)

Katherine

Snap Back To Me

Woo-hoo! Woke up this morning no longer sick, so my sanity had returned. The pathetic wench in my head was easily gagged and pushed back into lock down.

This is what it is. I got what I got. Let's roll. No time or energy for wishing, wanting, needing things I can't or won't ever have. I need to just build I what's in my hands now.

Speaking of which...let's move on with the show.

-Kat

Random Thoughts Before Bed

Random thoughts...

• I don't think people realize how much I restrain myself from being a total bitch. Trust me...even if you think you've seen it. Ya haven't. Whatever I gave you was tempered and tame.
• I'm in a bit of a reckless, self-destructive mood. However, I think too damn much to act on it. Really spoils all of the fun. But I suppose it's in my best interest. Yeah...whatever.
• *sigh* If I give in to the darkness...
• Never underestimate the power of friendships or pancakes.
• Diversification helps a lot.

Sweet dreams.

-K.

What I'll Never Admit

I'm tired, feel like shit, and a little stressed out. Honesty, Kath...honesty...*sigh*

I hate being sick. Not just because of the typical "I don't feel good." No...it's because I don't have the strength to keep my own personal walls up. The weak, pathetic wench in my head that I keep in lock down gets to roam free and haunt me with her whiny, helpless need. God I really can't stand her. I have no way to satisfy her.

There are things that I crave that I will never admit out loud, at least not with any real emotion. Right now those things overwhelm me. I wish that when I had dragged my sorry ass home this afternoon that there were warm, strong arms to surround me. I wish I could curl up in a blanket on the couch with my head in someone's lap, his hand on my back or in my hair. Yes...even this bitch needs comfort and compassion once and a while. I don't have that in my life. I'm not sure I ever really have. But deep down in the place I don't let anyone see that I rarely even let myself admit, I wish desperately that I had love in my life.

My body aches to be held. To feel the warmth of another's touch. I feel like my bones are frozen stiff and that I'll never be thaw. The tears trail down my cheeks for the simplest of gestures. And I'm angry and helpless all at the same time. Or maybe I'm just angry at my helplessness to ever change this. I dunno.

I don't touch anymore. Well...at least not very often. I'm naturally very affectionate, but I hold myself back from causal touches because it only reminds of the need for true love and affection that I keep smothered. My hands itch to feel someone. To rest my palm against a cheek, or an arm, or to lay quietly on a chest. I just need to feel for a moment that I'm not so fuckin' alone.

Fuck...I hate this. I hate wanting things I can't have. I hate feeling needs I can't satisfy. I don't want to want or need anything...it only makes things worse. It only reminds me of how little I have.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Ya know...I'm so pissed that I feel this way. I've somehow managed to find some bits of hope here and there that things might get better. I'm optimistic something might work out. And to feel like this is a shitty of waste of time and energy. I don't have time to feel weak. I don't have time to be distracted by useless emotions.

But god...what I'd give right now to be held with love and affection and comfort...

Kath

Walking Down Memory Lane

The last couple of days - actually couple of weeks - there's been a number of quick trips down memory lane. Some sweet. Some painful. After years of trying to put my past in the right perspective and to accept what is and is not now...taking that little walk isn't really something I enjoy.

There are places I don't need to revisit. It's not that I'm ignoring my mistakes or my past, but I've found my peace and forgiven myself for my weaknesses and failures.

Yes. There is beauty and laughter and joy there as well. Some I will never forget. Some have been the only thing that carried me through my darkest hours. But I can't live in those moments either.

I am here today. Looking at now and tomorrow. Next week. And next year. I have what I have within my reach now. I will not hold on to dreams I've let go of, and I try very hard not to allow past mistakes effect today. If something is not real now or possible tomorrow, then it is not something I can emotionally afford to spend time, effort, or energy in exploring or rehashing. I just can't. I have to build on what I have. And given that so much has crumbled in the last few years, I have a lot of construction I must accomplish if I'm ever to do more than just survive.

While I will honor the moments I have always cherished, I have to get to a place where I can feel joy and hope in the present tense. With who, what, how, and when that will happen...I don't have those answers yet.

But I'll know them when I find them.

-Katherine

Throwing Open A Window

My blog is a giant window into my head. It captures whatever emotion or state of mind I am in in that exact moment. The writing lets me process it all and put it to rest or find answers that were lost in the haze. (Damn...I still miss the old space a bit.)

I've been blogging for 6 years. Well...five if you subtract the year I went into complete silence. I've met some fabulous people along the way. And I've managed to keep myself sane at times when there was no place else to turn.

For the most part, this is a very separate corner of my reality. Only a few overlap. The honesty I let myself have here is not something 99% of the people I know can cope with. Quite frankly, in our day to day lives we really don't want to know those around us. That much knowledge comes with responsibility. And let's face it, it's easier to be ignorant and careless. But I also dread being seen as a burden to those I care about.

The anonymity of my blog(s) tempers that responsibility tremendously. If your not a part of my life, there's not a lot of responsibility involved. If you don't know, there's little risk for either of us.

*sigh* Yes...I'm processing. Someone important to me asked for my blog address this afternoon. I didn't expect it. It had never been a point of interest. I couldn't help but feel some anxiety. This is where I don't force myself to hold back or be correct or spare feelings. This is a written vortex of me...where everything blends into chaos. This is my selfish, indulgent gift to myself. Where my voice can echo, whisper, crash, scream, ponder, and cry. I refuse to censor here. Not again. Not for anyone.

So...am I okay with throwing open this window?

Yes. The few that overlap have always honored and respected my trust. I know that will be repeated. But I am worried that it will be too much. LOL That is always my issue isn't it? Being too much.

But the truth is the truth. My craziness is my craziness. It's always your choice to read or ignore. So here we go...let's see what happens.

-Kat

The Purest Thing

I wasn't braced.

I was unprepared.

To go back.

To remember.

To see.

Only a moment's memory.

But even the memory echoes.

The purest thing.

I've ever felt.

I've ever done.

Nothing has compared.

Before or since.

I closed my eyes.

The visions burst to life.

Vivid and powerful.

The strength.

The passion.

The sweet absolute emotion.

Nothing has compared.

Before or since.

But you took away that hope.

And I quietly put away that dream.

You left me no choice.

I wonder why you brought it up.

I wonder what it means to you.

The questions I won't ask.

The answers you won't give.

And so I open my eyes.

I wipe away the couple of tears.

And we go on as we are now.

With the purest thing

Always quietly between us.

Katherine

Placing My Bets

I'm not feeling that well, so I know I'm not in the best frame of mind. After talking with a very old friend of mine, catching up on her life and times...well, I'm not sure that helped me in the least. I'm left feeling very sad and empty. Maybe it was the rewind of so many fun and very filled moments, maybe it was discussing the loss of children as the grow older and build their own lives or maybe it was facing again my greatest loss. All I know is that I failed to anticipate the negative impact that conversation would have on me.

I'm crashing a little right now. I'm questioning some of my recent choices. I'm wavering on the likelihood of any of the opportunities in front of me coming to fruition. I feel as if I'm on the brink - on the steep narrow summit - of both possible success and failure. And I'm waiting for the wind of fate to blow through and determine which way I will fall. I don't want to fail again, but I'm not sure there really is a way for me to win. I know that in life...there are no rewards without risk. I've placed bets many times only to lose, but at some point the odds are that you have to get a win, right?

*sigh* This isn't the life I wanted, but I do believe it was always the life I was meant to have. Maybe I've just done an extraordinarily shit-ass job of making anything out of it. The question I keep asking myself is...am I making better choices now? Or just carelessly betting on a game I know nothing about.

Kat