Did the Universe Shift?

Sooooo...I'm not sure what the fuck is going on lately. It's like the universe has shifted and every star is lining up. It seems as if suddenly everyone is making it a point to ask for my advice and recommendations AND taking it! I know longer have to wait three months to try it my way. Wow...

On top of that, opportunities seem to be stacking up like mad. And I'm desperately trying to shift some of my eggs into other baskets. One basket has held all my eggs for too fuckin' long and nothing has ever hatched. Time for a little diversification! Wow...

Maybe everyone knows I'm dying and no one wants to be the one to tell me. lol

In the meantime...WOO-FUCKIN-HOO!!! :-D

-K.

Another Shadow

I'm not sure I can do it.

Let go.

The trust isn't there.

The hope non-existent.

You are a part of my life.

But you are not in my life.

Another slice.

Another shadow.

Do I really need another?

The moments are real,

But not real life.

Stolen.

Borrowed.

Tender and warm.

Yet fleeting.

I keep my own counsel.

Do you even realize?

To shrug off the openings I allow,

Will cost you the prize.

I'm stronger than the others.

I will not beg.

I will not plead.

Are you there?

Or too busy with you?

Your choices.

Your priorities.

Will limit my ability to give.

And diminish our possibilities.

I've learned that lesson.

I won't repeat my past.

I deserve more.

Kat

Old Wounds

I didn't realize that the knowledge wasn't there.

So I ran into the question like a brick wall.

Now I'm on my knees.

Trying to catch my breath.

Wondering if I've destroyed a huge chunk of the little beauty I have.

To go back.

Even for a moment.

Reopens the wound.

The smear of its ugliness still taints me.

No amount of time.

No amount of distance.

Will ever completely wash away the horror.

My failure.

My weakness.

My sin.

The crushing fall of memories.

The explanation that's never enough.

The bitter taste it all leaves behind.

I'm falling.

But there's no one to catch me.

No more tears to fall.

No more punishment to take.

Yet the tragedy will never completely relinquish its burning grip.

Katherine

Trippin' Down Memory Lane

My aunt posted a ton of old pictures on facebook this morning. Pictures from when I was 10 and we were all on my dad's boat to pictures of my babies from 10 years ago. Going through those was such a kick, but there's was a little fall too.

Those that were gone - my dad and grandfather. As well as a life left behind.

I wonder what my Dad would think of my life. I doubt he'd say anything, but it would be obvious to him (just as it's obvious to anyone that takes a look) that I don't have much to show for these 37+ years but the journey itself. And that bitch hasn't been easy and has left some scars.

About six months ago I dreamed of my dad. That's only happened a handful of times since his death 21 years ago, so it usually holds some significance. In the dream...the apartment attic was burning. I could hear the crackle as it moved through the ceiling, and I was attempting to get everyone out. My Dad was at the dining room table. He spoke to me...

"You know you were abused right?"

"Yes. I've figured that out." I replied.

"You know it would be so much easier if you just let us love you."

"I don't know how to be any other way, but this." I replied.

Then I was out the door to try and find Ranger to get help getting everyone out. Never did find him. lol Weirdest part of all this...the dream was right before all the dumb shit went down with the apartment. Talk about the ceiling crumbling around someone. Anyway...

*sigh* Yep, my ex was a dick. And yes...it's hard for me to let anyone love me. No...not just hard. I actually don't have a clue how to do it. How do you let someone love you? Someone please give me a manual because I haven't the faintest idea.

One of the pics she posted had a picture of my family with my grandparents. Must have been taken either 1999 or 2000. God...my babies were so beautiful. lol My arms ached to hold their little bodies in my lap again. And then I looked at my ex-husbands face...I was still lost then. I still believed he was the man I wanted him to be and that I was the failure.

There was no anger or tears. Just sadness. For the woman I used to be. For the dreams that were broken from the start. And for the dreams I've lost the chance to have.

My chance for family is over. I know...I'm still a mom. I'm still a daughter. I'm still a friend. But I'll never have that home filled with the chaos and love of a good man and children. I tried for so long to stay and make that dream a reality, but it was an illusion that was slowly killing me. I don't regret my decision to walk away. I just regret that I wasn't smarter in the first place.

I think these are the two hardest part about my search for hope...chasing a different dream and building something out of nothing. *sigh*

I'm not sure if I'm on the right track. I just know I have to keep moving. Staying in one place has never gotten me anywhere.

Katherine

Finding My Place

There's no point in denying who you are. Whether it's your strengths, your weaknesses, your personality, your sexuality...refusing to accept the truth will get you no where.

Yes, I believe people can change if THEY want it enough. But too often change is considered being someone or something else. We can't grow a third arm. Why would anyone expect such a radical alteration in someone's mentality?

At various points in my life, I've repressed pieces of myself. Or tried at least. lol And always failed. Each time was an effort to please someone else. To gain their approval and acceptance. To not fail.

It's a terrible feeling to do your best and still fail miserably.

I've finally accepted the obvious. I am not for everyone. I've never wanted to be. But often times I've become involved in situations I believed in passionately, only to realize the other individuals associated with the process couldn't accept my approach. Oh they liked my results. They fuckin' loved my results. But I wasn't the woman they expected. I didn't conduct myself demurely or submissively enough for their tastes.

Over the last 18 months, I mistakenly tried to adjust myself to blend in. I stopped moving forward and hid myself in a corner. I gave others the knowledge to accomplish goals, the direction to move forward, and the ideas to strengthen positions. But I gained nothing...I simply tried to survive.

My goal now is continued survival while expanding my internal horizons. I seek to discover and fine tune who and what I am, so that eventually I may find a place where I belong.

Katherine

Instinct

Every once and a great while, there is someone that from the moment you meet, talk, or see...you just know.

The potential for an amazing and vibrant journey pulses. It's the possibility for fun, excitement, and even TROUBLE that only exists in very special and true friendships. The electricity just thrives, waiting for both to grab a hold and let it spring to life.

I deliberately held myself back from one of these connections oh-so-long-ago. It wasn't the time, the place, or the circumstances. And in the many occasions that followed, I continued to hold back. Age and experience has made me overly cautious. When presented again with the opportunity...I finally got honest with myself. After much soul searching, I couldn't deny my desire to open the door and see where it led.

I let is spring to life.

No regrets. Even now.

Another dangles on the very, very edge of possibility. Ooooh...but I can already sense the recklessness that friendship would bring out in me. That door that I keep firmly locked down and chained for fear of chaos would disintegrate entirely in an instant. lol

Fuck...I'm so damn tempted. Hehehe

Kat

Wating, Watching, and Hoping

I've been careless with my mind.

I've been careless with my body.

But I've never been careless with my heart.

I've been careless with my trust.

I've been careless with pleasure.

But I've never been careless with being in love.

I've been careless with my esteem.

I've been careless with lust.

But I've never been careless with my soul.

Now...I'm no longer careless with any pieces of me.

So I'm waiting, watching, and hoping.

Katherine

What To Do With Her

She's hard to recognize.

It's been so long.

Possibly decades even.

I don't know what to do with her.

I'm unsure how to respond.

How to cope.

I'm afraid.

To give in.

To accept.

But what if...

Do I want her here?

Do I need her here?

Can I risk her here?

So unfamiliar.

Someone I hardly know.

She'll want things I can't give her.

A weakness.

A luxury I can't afford.

A reality I can barely face.

So...sweet.

So...gentle.

So...fuckin' damn fragile.

Tell me...

Can I protect her again?

Or will she only bring me tears?

Could her reappearance destroy me?

I've had to stay strong.

No choice.

No rest.

To fight.

To breathe.

To survive.

She could force me to my knees.

She could unravel my armor.

She would let open the gates.

I love her.

I hate her.

But I think I need her.

She may be my only hope.

Maybe it's time I let her stay.

I just don't know what to do with...

The softer side of me.

Katherine

Learning Not To Gag

Corporate Dick Sucking:

A lot like the real thing...

1. Sometimes ya just have to close your eyes and do it.
2. You get better with practice.
3. You get nauseous if you do it too many times in one day.

I should probably learn to spit instead of swallow, huh? Hehehe

Kat

P.S. Needed to toss some of the smartass me in here. Getting a little too heavy. ;-)

Friends & The Best Medicine

I went out for dinner and drinks tonight with Mr. Sarcasm. Oh man, laughed so much and so hard. I'm now, but the smile on my face hasn't faded. Laughter truly is one of life's best forms of medicine. Not that I was down or anything. I've a good day. Lots of good conversations. Restful.

But spending an hour or two laughing lightens my soul and makes me forget all the thinking I tend to get lost in.

Mr. Sarcasm is one of the few good things out of last year. I met him walking the dog, and his quick wit and smartass comments convinced me to take a chance. I took his email address, and we quickly became good friends. No drama. No pressure. Just two people sharing some time now and then.

And I took another step tonight. The Last Boy Scout told me the other night that I need to get out of lock down mode. I'm a paranoid bitch. lol I'm cautious to the point that I won't give out my number, and unless I know you real well you won't know my address. I let Mr. Sarcasm pick me up tonight. We've known each other six months now, and tonight was the first night he was in my driveway.

The Last Boy Scout had a point. I do need to let down my guard a little bit, and let in those that care and who deserve my trust. I've found though that few people deserve my trust. No...few people deserve my complete trust. I tend to give only slices of myself to those around me. The pieces I can trust them with. They have to earn it. It's not given freely. And once they fuck up, another slice is shaved off.

But maybe the pot I'm pulling from is a little...spoiled. In the last four years, my "friends" have all pretty much stemmed from the office. Not necessarily a bad thing, but too many piece then overlap. I've paid for that overlap in many ways.

I need to branch out more. Have a bit of diversity in my circle. Mr. Sarcasm has definitely added a great flavor to the mix. The Last Boyscout too...smart, funny, kind. *sigh*

There's hope in some of the people around me. Not necessarily for grandiose accomplishments, but for moments of laughter and joy.

Katherine

Testing the Dark

The ache.

The need.

The stark craving.

It called to me.

For a fulfillment that had never been met.

To push my limits.

To see how far I could go.

Could I let it seduce me?

The dark desires.

I surrendered to the pain.

Let myself exist only in the moment.

Abandoning my fears.

And found a sweet sense of freedom in the end.

Katherine

The Sting

The sharp sting of pain.

I wasn't ready.

I didn't see it coming.

Not a brutal blow.

Just a quick unexpected slice that drew blood.

And forced me to hold back hot tears.

Unintentional.

An error in judgement.

A failure to communicate.

Yet that couldn't stop the bleeding.

Heal the wound.

Or take away the ache.

I wasn't allowed retreat.

I couldn't save my pride.

My wound was bare and exposed.

I was bare and exposed.

Few have witnessed my pain.

Even fewer have stood by my side,

To help heal the wounds.

Not abandoned.

No attempt at flight.

No avoidance.

A refusal to walk away.

I was allowed my voice.

A determination to sort through it all.

My pain's existence was recognized.

A willingness to accept responsibility.

No intent to brush away my emotions.

He wouldn't give up on me.

On what might be.

Katherine

A Little Bit of Hope

A little bit of hope looks like my Mustang sitting in front of the office when I walk outside.

A little bit of hope sounds like my 88 Mustang starting up.

A little bit of hope feels like shifting through the gears and feelin her (me) beg for clean dry roads.

*sigh*

Gotta love a little bit of hope. :-)

Kat

P.S. Sorry for the repost from FB, but the blog's a bit better at archiving. lol

How do you love?

I'm asking myself if I could ever fall in love again.

I've only done it once. And it stuck. For a very, very long time.

The roller coaster of being in love...The joy, the pain, the purity, the absoluteness at my age scares the fuckin' shit out of me. Whether it's for a moment or years, if given the opportunity I'm just not sure I have the courage go through all that again.

I'm not even sure HOW to love. Sounds foolish I know. But in so many ways and for so many reasons, I don't trust myself to do it right. Regardless of post relationship conversations, I still feel as if I must not have done it right that one time. I gave that everything I had, but he still walked away more times than I can count regardless of what we felt for each other. And my marriage...while I was never in love with him, I did give it what I had to give. That was never good enough though.

I feel like I have no experience I could even draw from. The few men I've met and spent time with over the last seven years...yeah, not love. Not even much caring really. More like passing interest that always died a quick death.

How do we know how to love?

How do we know the right steps to take on the journey?

Is there a right way and wrong way?

For better or worse, when something matters to me I don't know how to do it half-assed. So if I let myself fall in love, I know I'd once again risk soul again. And the pain that can be found with that kind of exposure...it can be fuckin' brutal.

Where do we find that kind of courage to go another round? Is it really just another form of hope? An attempt to place faith in another human being?

Does that mean in order to fall again, I'd have to find hope?

Or could I find hope in falling in love again?

Katherine

Hope Vs. Love

DBeem191 suggested in my first post that "Maybe hope is like love...something that you don't seek, but it shows up when you least expect it."

I panicked a little when I first read that. If she was right, I was doomed. I haven't had a lot of luck in my life when it comes to love. Hell...I haven't had a lot of luck period, but this is suppose to stay in a positive direction....

I've thought about it the last couple days. She's right. Hope can show up unexpectedly. But I believe it can be found and created as well. What's different between love and hope is that in order for love to follow traditional success it requires some type of cooperation with another human being - that cooperation is usually the most challenging aspect.

That's not the case with hope. Hope is a positive force that allows us to believe something good or better is in the future. That can exist in many aspects of life - of course love/relationships, career, family, friends, achievements, goals, etc.

My problem is that very few if any aspects of my life have much hope for one reason or another. And for the most part haven't for quite some time. The constant negative drag obliterated any hope or faith that I once had.

But given that there's so many options, if I try hard enough I've GOT to be able to find something, right?

Even if it's just a tiny flame...just a teeny bit of warmth to help build a bit of momentum.

Huh. Maybe that would be hoping for hope.

I wonder if that counts as finding some? lol

Kat

Stepping Forward

Shit. I am emotionally exhausted. It's been a long ass day. But I didn't bitch. I didn't trip. I didn't let 'em see me down. Just handled my business and kept my mouth shut. *sigh* But it was immediately clear that I've got to do something.

So instead of just thinking about it and tossing the idea around in my head, I took some baby steps forward tonight. *sigh*

I'm considering going back to school.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

lol

As you can see I'm not jumping for joy at the prospect. 1. I'm fuckin' tired. Adding school in the mix?!? 2. I could be wrong, but I'm not sure I really consider it more than just a fuckin' piece of paper. And that annoys me.

But as the Last Boyscout (hmmm...still not sure if that's the right name) explained to me today, that paper could be worth about $25,000 a year. Not a bad deal, right? *sigh*

The other thing is that I'll have to swallow my damn pride. Errrrr... And not just for a minute, but for a while. But, in the words of both Ranger and the Last Boyscout...

"Do I wanna be right? Or do I wanna win?"

Yeah...it scares me when the same words come out of both their mouths. lol

Kat

Searching for Moments

I mentioned that in general last year pretty much sucked with the exception of a one possibility that I've yet to understand how will play out. But there are always "moments" - even if they are few and far between. That bit of time where you feel joy, peace, happiness, possibly love without any hesitation or restrictions or doubt. It's pure.

I've always thought that life should be a sum of those moments. But as the years have gone by I've learned to hold back, to hesitate, to doubt everything. I've lost so much trust in people and fate. I no longer remember how to open myself up in order to feel. Too many times I've dropped my guard only to get sucker punched in the mouth.

This morning I tried to come up with moments in the last three or four months, and I can only come up with two.

When he held my hand walking to dinner. I didn't expect it. I wasn't prepared. But I just let it happen and enjoyed the moment. It wasn't complicated. I didn't have to think it through, question why, interpret what it meant, doubt his intentions, wonder where it might lead, or worry about the damn consequences. I absorbed the moment - warmth and peace of basic friendship and kindness. Something so simple, yet so rare in my life.

When that beautiful, fat puppy stepped through my door late one night. Instantly all the ugliness that had suffocated me for days disappeared. I didn't hesitate to plop on the floor and play and love and laugh. Ooh and ahhh. Be silly and affectionate. I didn't have to hold back. I didn't have to protect anyone from my emotions. I didn't have to be the responsible grown up. I didn't fuckin' have to be strong in adversity. For a moment I was just me. I don't know if he knew at the time how much it would mean to me when he brought Ari over to visit. If he knew how much it would help. But I think that's the only thing that kept me from breaking apart that week. For a moment there was nothing but pure joy.

Maybe I'm naive. Maybe this is how things are suppose to be as we get older. Maybe holding back and thinking everything through is what's expected in maturity. With every year, is our lesson to learn how fucked up everything and everyone really is? God...I don't want to be that cynical. I don't want to smother and beat down my emotions. But I do it to protect myself.

So maybe that's really the problem. Maybe I need to find a safe place to exist and safe people to surround myself with.

Honestly...in my day-to-day life...I have neither. *sigh*

Katherine

Where to Begin?

In September, I lost the last chunks of my foundation. They were shaky to begin with, but I clung to them hoping to weather the storms that surrounded me.

In December within a 48 hour time frame, my apartment was broken into during broad daylight and my car gave up the fight. There went safety and basic transportation. (The transportation part might be resolved soon with some significant help from Ranger.)

My career is at a standstill. In fact it wouldn't surprise me in the least to find myself unemployed in the next month.

My circle of friends has narrowed. The last year has shown me who's real and who likes to talk a pretty game. And some I'm happy to say have found their place in the world and are building beautiful dreams for themselves.

Family, while I love them dearly, is a mess. One I can not unwind no matter what I might like to do. My only goal is not to add to the chaos.

So I'm left trying to figure out where to begin. Where exactly does hope exist? Yes, I know it has to come from within me. But where? Is it hiding? Or is it gone, and I have to lure it back? Or do I have to light a new flicker of hope? And if so, what do I need to do that?

Hope seems to me to be directly tied to the future. I hope for X. I hope Y happens. I hope someday Z. I can't remember the last time I genuinely uttered a phrase like that. How do you figure out what to dream after all your dreams have shattered? Can you really dream a different dream?

I know that however hope exists, it can only begin with me. So I'm asking myself a lot of questions like what, where, how, when, who. No answers for any of those yet, but I've at least started a "not" list. lol Not there. Not then. Not that. Etc.

Maybe if I keep narrowing down that list, a place to start will be clear.

Kat

Resurrecting Hope

I need to find hope again.

I haven't had any in a very long time.

The impact of the last few years drained the well dry, and I've survived only because of my sheer stubborn refusal to quit. Keep breathing. Keep moving. Keep sane. But survival is all I've managed to accomplish. It's time I found a way out of the cave I've shuttered myself in.

Last month, The Last Boyscout told me I needed to have faith. I had to explain that I didn't have either faith or hope anymore. I exist only on what is. "You need to find some." was his response. I doubt he realized the impact that simple statement would have on me. His words have stuck with me, rattling around in my head again and again.

His response reminded me of something Ranger's been telling me for years. "Without hope you die."

Ranger was right. I've known it all along. I've been slowly dying for years now. My body still breathes. My heart still beats. But my spirit has curled into a dark corner to lick its wounds and guard the crumbled pieces that remain. My spirit no longer soars, no longer sings, no longer grabs and shakes the shit out of life. I am a shadow of what I've been, what I should be - what I could be.

Overall, it's been a shitty couple of weeks, a rough few years, and a horrible decade. Yes, there have been moments of joy, of accomplishment, of new beginnings, of finding pieces I thought were lost. Enough to keep me going, but not enough to grow stronger and build dreams. I don't even remember how to dream. *sigh*

But I survived to see the New Year - given my recent luck I wasn't sure that was likely. lol I promised myself a few days ago that if I saw January first I'd start writing again. The process feeds my soul and frees my spirit. Once before it was a vehicle for significant change and a rediscovery of hope.

Maybe it will be again.

Katherine