My Foundation

What do I want? What do I expect? Do I want and expect too much? Or not enough? Those are the questions I'm asking myself.

The answer makes them all irrelevent though. It's too fuckin' late. There's no going back. And there's no going forward. *sigh* I tried. I tried my best. I wasn't perfect. No one can be.

But when the basic foundation disappears, everything else is left to crumble. No matter how beautiful, amazing, or breathtaking other aspects may be, they won't survive when all they have to stand up on is the soft, weak muck of bullshit.

I won't lie or pretend. I know that it takes increadible personal strength and trust to give me what I need. And I know very few have, can, or will ever be able to rise to the challenge. There's a tiny piece of me that feels bad that I can't compromise on my core requirements. It's a lot. But the gifts of my trust, committement, friendship, honesty, openness, and respect...are worth the effort.

And if someone else can't recognize that, then I guess they never really saw or understood me at all.
-Kat

Silly

Silly fool.

Didn't admit it.

But now you know.

You thought you saw a spark of hope.

Silly girl.

Somewhere along the way.

Some how you imagined.

A little voice whispered "Maybe."

Silly woman.

A gap in your walls.

A weakness in your guard.

You thought this time it could be different.

Empty words.

Weak intention.

Actions that aren't there.

Promises aren't kept.

Silly dreams.

Silly hopes.

Silly me.

Even if there's only a fraction of hope, a sliver of belief, a trace of possibility...

It still hurts when it all shatters to dust.

-Kat

No One Here But Me

I lost a friendship today. Well, more like I finally admitted to myself I had lost a friendship. It's been in front of my face for a while, but my loyalty - for better or worse - kept me from walking away. An old friend too. Not the best of friends. No...not one to go out of the way for me without something to be gained. But someone I trusted for a moment to see the real me. Someone who shared with me more than anyone else. We gave each other small pieces of ourselves that no one else had ever seen. And that meant something. At least to me it did.

I wish I could undo the loss. I tried to reach out. I tried to communicate. And maybe that's what hurts the most, is that our friendship wasn't enough to fight for.

I'd long ago explained how I worked. I can cope with a pretty broad variety of things, but not lies. Even the smallest lie will make me doubt every word, every gesture. But we all make choices, and the lies must have been easier and more appealing than honoring the friendship we'd both nurtured.

No...I wasn't perfect. Not at all. There were moments when I was less than a friend and more selfish than I'd expected to be. But I didn't give up on becoming a better friend and trying to get it right.

Now I have no choice but to say goodbye and walk away since there's no one else really here but me. There's no use trying to revive the laughter or the warmth. I'd rather be cold and alone than pretend it's all good in the hood.

No anger. No drama. No. Just sadness. For what was lost. And the laughter and the memories that will never be shared.

It was my choice in the beginning to grow our friendship beyond what had always been. Another lesson learned.

Safe journey, hon. May you find your peace, your hope, and your contentment someday. *kiss*

-Katherine

Waving the White Flag

*sigh* This week has essentially sucked - exhausting, frustrating, disconnected. I haven't synched up with anyone or anything. And it wrapped up earlier with the icing on the cake.

I give up at this point. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what's needed, wanted, or desired. Fuck...if I need to go, stop, move on...someone say something. I haven't a clue which direction is the right way, so I'm just going to sit quietly in the background until I see a clear path.

Calling it a day, a night, a week...

-Kat

Bitchy or PMS or Both

I'm tired, pissed off, and frustrated. Just not that good of company at all. Or maybe I could be if I could believe anything that came out of anyone's mouth at this point. *sigh* I feel like in every corner I look it's a fuckin' puzzle I need to decipher. The words don't match the action. The action doesn't match the words. Really? Is it that hard? That fuckin' challenging to be genuine?

The game. The fuckin' game. I don't want to play a fuckin' game. I just want to be real. I don't have the patience to live this way. I don't. It's exhausting to spend all fuckin' day pretending to everyone to be happy, to be strong, to be fuckin' positive while at the same time trying to figure out what's behind everyone else's bullshit.

My job is essentially hopeless.

I'm tired of drive-by shootings on a sunny, Sunday afternoon mere blocks from my house, and my drive way being treated as a shooting range.

I'm tired of people saying "You need to get out of there." Really? You don't think I should say? FUCK! I KNOW I NEED TO LEAVE!!!! Tell me...how does a broke ass bitch with no savings, barely getting through from pay check to pay check possibly move?!? Don't they still require...first/last and/or a deposit? Oh and pay off the utilities here and then make a deposit on the utilities there? Oh...wait...I forgot...I left $1500 under the bed. Let me go grab that and make everything better. *psh* Silly me...

FUCK!

I haven't seen my kids in a year and a half. Looooooser. But somehow I got through Mother's Day and Del's birthday without tears. Although as soon as I got to this subject the tears came.

I'm tired of being strong. I wish I could curl up in someone's lap that I trust, that I believe in, that could honestly just care that I'm hurting. But letting anyone see my pain is beyond me. Too many other factors that require my guard to be up at all times.

Possibilities that I just can't seem to get to turn over. God...if just one them would flip...so many pieces might start lining up.

It's like everything is jammed up with no movement. More and more pressure. I keep trying to shake something loose so everything can flow, but nothing will budge. I'm scratched, bruised, bleeding. There urge to just toss a stick of dynamite into the mess is overwhelming. But reason takes over and I'm not sure what pieces would be broken beyond repair. *sigh*

My ex told me that maybe I was "on divine pause" and that maybe I should go to church. Considering he also mentioned he might be getting $180,000 payout despite the fact that he's a dick...I just have to wonder how the whole karma thing really works. lol

Fuck.

I'd just give up and go to bed. But I gotta keep tugging on those pieces. Can't quit. Keep movin'. Keep movin'.

*sigh*

-Kat

The Existence of Purity

At this age or in this day and age...does anything pure truly exist? Is it me? Is it life? Is it the world?

I've experienced pure emotions before...once upon a time in another life of another girl. But the ability seems beyond me at this point. Too much clutter. Too much complication. Every step, every moment shadowed with a hundred other factors that I can't deny or escape.

Do you only get one chance at pure freedom?

Do you only get one chance to fly?

To soar without tethers?

I know the choice is mine to remain grounded. But I have no desire to feel the guaranteed crash and burn of tumbling over the rocks I know are on the other side. Enough scratches and bruises scar my soul.

But the more I know...the more questions I ask...the more I learn...the less I can believe I'll ever find what I once believed could exist. Time seems to kill the possibility. Or maybe it's not time. Maybe it is just my naiveté.

Am I a fool to believe in honesty?

In truth?

In trust?

In friendship?

In love?

*sigh* Maybe I just expect too much. I know there are moments...fleeing moments when I don't think and simply let myself run pure.

A quick kiss and hug of pure friendship and laughter and fun. A moment of blinding sunshine I didn't question or analyze. It simply existed.

A glance and a smile with no hesitation or filter. No doubt or dilution. Friends sharing a moment of pure joy and happiness. It simply exists.

A touch. A caress. No thought. No caution. Lovers losing themselves for a moment to the pure pleasure found in one another's arms. It simply is there.

Maybe moments are all I'm capable of experiencing. A light occasional breeze to lift me up for an instant, but never enough to truly take flight and soar. Not enough to truly satisfy, but something to help get a girl through.

-Katherine