Rearranging the Past

Just a quick, short statement giving background...but I was caught off guard and even a little stunned. After it had ended, I hadn't once considered that it was real. I had always thought that it had only been a convenient answer simply postponing my illusion. I'd felt the foolish, silly girl.

But hearing it from someone else - realizing that it was real - rearranges pieces of my past I'd set in place long, long ago.

No. It changes nothing of today. But that young girl from so long ago...she found a bit of peace in a moment - a far away memory - that she'd never been able to hold her head up about. *sigh*

Thank you. *kiss*

-K.

My Nirvana

Ranger let me drive. A Vette. On his highway. Round n round. Flyin. Huggin the curves. *sigh* Simply beautiful. That feeling...the acceleration, the g-force as you hug the curves, while at the same time you're calculating every bump and shift of the powerful animal that surrounds you. Fuckin' Nirvana.

At least My Nirvana.

My blood races through my veins.

Like slick sweet fire.

My hands grip the wheel.

A bitchy battle for control and dominance.

We race the wind.

To sail.

To fly.

To be.

Everything drops away.

An effortless scattering,

Of emotional, logical and practical dust.

A deafening silent scream of victory.

Explodes from within.

As my soul finds freedom.

And I am at peace.

With the world.

With myself.

Long after the moment is gone.

That cry of release will still echo through me.

I breathe the purity of life's essence.

I fight the demand to surrender and close my eyes.

To simply bask in the cool slice of heat.

That pulses wildly within me.

Again and again.

The power to tame.

A crush of force.

Freedom's blazing flame.

Nirvana.

I am this.

Only this.

For a moment.

I am alive.

I am simply me.

-K.

Letting It All Go

For the last 5 months, I have tried my damnedest not to let the cynical voice in my head rule and instead let myself walk through doors that cracked open for me. Oh I knew full well at the time that practicalities, people's natural habits, and my fucked up luck left little hope for anything to truly catch hold and grow. (BTW...I'm not at all claiming I was perfect, but I always kept trying.)

*sigh* I've spent the last month fighting to keep things moving. I was tired, frustrated, and pissed. I've tried. But if no one else on the teams feels inclined to make shit work, there's not much I can really do. So I'm done sweating this shit. I give up. I'm letting it all go.

I tried. Nothing paid off. No regrets though. I learned some lessons and pounded a few basic beliefs back into my core. It is what it is. Nothing more. Nope. Nothing fuckin' more.

-Kat

Soul Searching

I've been thinking of my Dad the last few days. I'm sure he'll be on my mind quite a bit over the next month and a half. As I consider and wonder. *sigh* There are things I need to handle. Things that I've put off too long. But those are a different post...

A question came to mind tonight...one who's answer quickly and easily captures the truth.

Who would I want by my side in my last minutes? As I took my last breathes? Who would I want there?

The answer was immediate and easy. Clean. Simple. No doubt in my mind. So very few. For better or worse, it confirms to me so much about who I am, where I am, and how I am. There was comfort in that. Answering that question clears away all of the haze that sometimes gets in the way of the truth.

As I consider who I left out - especially those that surprised me - I realized that my answers altered as the timeframe changed. Yes, of course, in my final hours I would want to see them one last time. Yes...In my final days, I would hope I could see her and them and him and him and her and all of them...

Compared to others, I know even my combined list is short. However, it includes the best of the best. And for that I am a very lucky woman to have so many bests on my lists rather than an endless list of fillers.

Make the most of the time you have with those closest to you.
-Katherine