No One Here But Me

I lost a friendship today. Well, more like I finally admitted to myself I had lost a friendship. It's been in front of my face for a while, but my loyalty - for better or worse - kept me from walking away. An old friend too. Not the best of friends. No...not one to go out of the way for me without something to be gained. But someone I trusted for a moment to see the real me. Someone who shared with me more than anyone else. We gave each other small pieces of ourselves that no one else had ever seen. And that meant something. At least to me it did.

I wish I could undo the loss. I tried to reach out. I tried to communicate. And maybe that's what hurts the most, is that our friendship wasn't enough to fight for.

I'd long ago explained how I worked. I can cope with a pretty broad variety of things, but not lies. Even the smallest lie will make me doubt every word, every gesture. But we all make choices, and the lies must have been easier and more appealing than honoring the friendship we'd both nurtured.

No...I wasn't perfect. Not at all. There were moments when I was less than a friend and more selfish than I'd expected to be. But I didn't give up on becoming a better friend and trying to get it right.

Now I have no choice but to say goodbye and walk away since there's no one else really here but me. There's no use trying to revive the laughter or the warmth. I'd rather be cold and alone than pretend it's all good in the hood.

No anger. No drama. No. Just sadness. For what was lost. And the laughter and the memories that will never be shared.

It was my choice in the beginning to grow our friendship beyond what had always been. Another lesson learned.

Safe journey, hon. May you find your peace, your hope, and your contentment someday. *kiss*

-Katherine