To Be Strong

"You are the strongest woman I know." Over the last few years, I've heard that a number of times. While I consider it a compliment, I really don't know what I do that makes me so damn strong. I've never done anything amazing or truly daring or historic. I just fuckin' survive.

But one thing frustrates the hell out of me. It sometimes feels that because others see me as strong, they feel it is acceptable to be careless with me. People seem to fail to grasp that while I may rarely fuckin' flinch, I feel every lash, every slice, and every punch they and world throw at me.

Maybe it's my fault that they are careless then. Am I the one to blame when someone is rude, thoughtless, or fails to pay attention to my needs? I will rarely call anyone out on their carelessness. But I do fuckin' take note. And as the tally rises, they receive less and less of me. Some don't even realize it because I feed them the same careless bullshit they feed me.

Now I will and often do call people out on their bullshit. This is different from careless. Bullshit's more direct. No. I don't let that pass by unchecked.

But maybe I shouldn't let the careless stuff go by either. I've always taken the stance that someone's intentional consideration is a gift and reflects what they genuinely feel for me as a person, a friend, a lover, anything... And to have force someone to be considerate would not be real. They would only do something because I asked/demanded.

I'd rather it all be real. I want to know who that person is inside. How they treat others and especially me is a reflects who they are. And I want to know how they honestly feel about me. Not pretend or mislead. I never want fake.

*sigh* A vicious cycle, huh? I suppose it all boils down that I am the way I am. It's sad really...even the ones closest to me will never realize how much their actions or words have hurt me. I'll bury the pain and show 'em a smile. :-)

-Kat