If you have any strength, people seem to completely disregard that you might have feelings or needs. Natural considerations and efforts given freely to "regular people" are ignored. I feel as though people look at me and think "I don't have to be nice. She can take it." I believe I'd have to leave pools of fucking blood trailing behind me before anyone would notice I might need some attention.
*sigh* I'm tired. I'm bruised, battered, and wore the fuck out mentally and emotionally from trying to cushion every interaction I have and attempting to make everyone else feel warm and fuzzy. Logically I figure people give back what they get. No. It's not true. People are selfish and take and take and take. I smile through it. "You want more? What else can I do for you?" Then I crawl under the covers to curl up and hide.
Ya know I don't want or need a lot. Really. I'm not an emotionally greedy bitch. I've spent most of my entire adult life learning to live without. But fuck...a little kindness? A bit of consideration? A fraction of interest in something other than yourself? An small offer to help out without expecting anything in return?
I watch everyone scurry to make the gentle, weaker ones feel all cherished and cared for. They're reassured, cosseted, and sheltered, while I stand ignored in the brutal cold. I keep trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Why doesn't anyone believe I deserve a few of the little things?
If they saw the tears I keep hidden, would they try?
If they saw the pain I bury, would they care?
If they saw the hurt I brush away, would they reconsider?
Somehow I doubt it. My instincts tell me they'd secretly relish my weakness because it would help them feel superior and powerful. "Ha! That bitch finally falls."
Fuck. I just wish I could walk away from it all and let everyone else try to pick up all the pieces. But I don't have that luxury. I have to keep fighting. I have to play the game. And survive off the pieces of kindness I steal from others.
-K.
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