I hate being sick. Not just because of the typical "I don't feel good." No...it's because I don't have the strength to keep my own personal walls up. The weak, pathetic wench in my head that I keep in lock down gets to roam free and haunt me with her whiny, helpless need. God I really can't stand her. I have no way to satisfy her.
There are things that I crave that I will never admit out loud, at least not with any real emotion. Right now those things overwhelm me. I wish that when I had dragged my sorry ass home this afternoon that there were warm, strong arms to surround me. I wish I could curl up in a blanket on the couch with my head in someone's lap, his hand on my back or in my hair. Yes...even this bitch needs comfort and compassion once and a while. I don't have that in my life. I'm not sure I ever really have. But deep down in the place I don't let anyone see that I rarely even let myself admit, I wish desperately that I had love in my life.
My body aches to be held. To feel the warmth of another's touch. I feel like my bones are frozen stiff and that I'll never be thaw. The tears trail down my cheeks for the simplest of gestures. And I'm angry and helpless all at the same time. Or maybe I'm just angry at my helplessness to ever change this. I dunno.
I don't touch anymore. Well...at least not very often. I'm naturally very affectionate, but I hold myself back from causal touches because it only reminds of the need for true love and affection that I keep smothered. My hands itch to feel someone. To rest my palm against a cheek, or an arm, or to lay quietly on a chest. I just need to feel for a moment that I'm not so fuckin' alone.
Fuck...I hate this. I hate wanting things I can't have. I hate feeling needs I can't satisfy. I don't want to want or need anything...it only makes things worse. It only reminds me of how little I have.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Ya know...I'm so pissed that I feel this way. I've somehow managed to find some bits of hope here and there that things might get better. I'm optimistic something might work out. And to feel like this is a shitty of waste of time and energy. I don't have time to feel weak. I don't have time to be distracted by useless emotions.
But god...what I'd give right now to be held with love and affection and comfort...
Kath
I remember when I felt like you do right now, and I can tell you what I did. You have to use your imagination here, but it did make me feel better. As I hugged myself (stay with me here) I imagined I was being hugged and comforted by someone that I wished was there, and I talked to myself as if I were him. The "him" was my dad, 'cause I just wanted to be coddled like a child.
ReplyDeleteOh man...if I even started down that road I think it would be like opening the flood gates to the damn. I ate, napped, and lost myself in work. Anything to stop thinking, so I could get myself back in lock down.
ReplyDeleteBetter now. Bitchy. But in my book that's better than pathetic. *shrug*
-K.