In December within a 48 hour time frame, my apartment was broken into during broad daylight and my car gave up the fight. There went safety and basic transportation. (The transportation part might be resolved soon with some significant help from Ranger.)
My career is at a standstill. In fact it wouldn't surprise me in the least to find myself unemployed in the next month.
My circle of friends has narrowed. The last year has shown me who's real and who likes to talk a pretty game. And some I'm happy to say have found their place in the world and are building beautiful dreams for themselves.
Family, while I love them dearly, is a mess. One I can not unwind no matter what I might like to do. My only goal is not to add to the chaos.
So I'm left trying to figure out where to begin. Where exactly does hope exist? Yes, I know it has to come from within me. But where? Is it hiding? Or is it gone, and I have to lure it back? Or do I have to light a new flicker of hope? And if so, what do I need to do that?
Hope seems to me to be directly tied to the future. I hope for X. I hope Y happens. I hope someday Z. I can't remember the last time I genuinely uttered a phrase like that. How do you figure out what to dream after all your dreams have shattered? Can you really dream a different dream?
I know that however hope exists, it can only begin with me. So I'm asking myself a lot of questions like what, where, how, when, who. No answers for any of those yet, but I've at least started a "not" list. lol Not there. Not then. Not that. Etc.
Maybe if I keep narrowing down that list, a place to start will be clear.
Kat
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