Trippin' Down Memory Lane

My aunt posted a ton of old pictures on facebook this morning. Pictures from when I was 10 and we were all on my dad's boat to pictures of my babies from 10 years ago. Going through those was such a kick, but there's was a little fall too.

Those that were gone - my dad and grandfather. As well as a life left behind.

I wonder what my Dad would think of my life. I doubt he'd say anything, but it would be obvious to him (just as it's obvious to anyone that takes a look) that I don't have much to show for these 37+ years but the journey itself. And that bitch hasn't been easy and has left some scars.

About six months ago I dreamed of my dad. That's only happened a handful of times since his death 21 years ago, so it usually holds some significance. In the dream...the apartment attic was burning. I could hear the crackle as it moved through the ceiling, and I was attempting to get everyone out. My Dad was at the dining room table. He spoke to me...

"You know you were abused right?"

"Yes. I've figured that out." I replied.

"You know it would be so much easier if you just let us love you."

"I don't know how to be any other way, but this." I replied.

Then I was out the door to try and find Ranger to get help getting everyone out. Never did find him. lol Weirdest part of all this...the dream was right before all the dumb shit went down with the apartment. Talk about the ceiling crumbling around someone. Anyway...

*sigh* Yep, my ex was a dick. And yes...it's hard for me to let anyone love me. No...not just hard. I actually don't have a clue how to do it. How do you let someone love you? Someone please give me a manual because I haven't the faintest idea.

One of the pics she posted had a picture of my family with my grandparents. Must have been taken either 1999 or 2000. God...my babies were so beautiful. lol My arms ached to hold their little bodies in my lap again. And then I looked at my ex-husbands face...I was still lost then. I still believed he was the man I wanted him to be and that I was the failure.

There was no anger or tears. Just sadness. For the woman I used to be. For the dreams that were broken from the start. And for the dreams I've lost the chance to have.

My chance for family is over. I know...I'm still a mom. I'm still a daughter. I'm still a friend. But I'll never have that home filled with the chaos and love of a good man and children. I tried for so long to stay and make that dream a reality, but it was an illusion that was slowly killing me. I don't regret my decision to walk away. I just regret that I wasn't smarter in the first place.

I think these are the two hardest part about my search for hope...chasing a different dream and building something out of nothing. *sigh*

I'm not sure if I'm on the right track. I just know I have to keep moving. Staying in one place has never gotten me anywhere.

Katherine