I've only done it once. And it stuck. For a very, very long time.
The roller coaster of being in love...The joy, the pain, the purity, the absoluteness at my age scares the fuckin' shit out of me. Whether it's for a moment or years, if given the opportunity I'm just not sure I have the courage go through all that again.
I'm not even sure HOW to love. Sounds foolish I know. But in so many ways and for so many reasons, I don't trust myself to do it right. Regardless of post relationship conversations, I still feel as if I must not have done it right that one time. I gave that everything I had, but he still walked away more times than I can count regardless of what we felt for each other. And my marriage...while I was never in love with him, I did give it what I had to give. That was never good enough though.
I feel like I have no experience I could even draw from. The few men I've met and spent time with over the last seven years...yeah, not love. Not even much caring really. More like passing interest that always died a quick death.
How do we know how to love?
How do we know the right steps to take on the journey?
Is there a right way and wrong way?
For better or worse, when something matters to me I don't know how to do it half-assed. So if I let myself fall in love, I know I'd once again risk soul again. And the pain that can be found with that kind of exposure...it can be fuckin' brutal.
Where do we find that kind of courage to go another round? Is it really just another form of hope? An attempt to place faith in another human being?
Does that mean in order to fall again, I'd have to find hope?
Or could I find hope in falling in love again?
Katherine
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