Searching for Moments

I mentioned that in general last year pretty much sucked with the exception of a one possibility that I've yet to understand how will play out. But there are always "moments" - even if they are few and far between. That bit of time where you feel joy, peace, happiness, possibly love without any hesitation or restrictions or doubt. It's pure.

I've always thought that life should be a sum of those moments. But as the years have gone by I've learned to hold back, to hesitate, to doubt everything. I've lost so much trust in people and fate. I no longer remember how to open myself up in order to feel. Too many times I've dropped my guard only to get sucker punched in the mouth.

This morning I tried to come up with moments in the last three or four months, and I can only come up with two.

When he held my hand walking to dinner. I didn't expect it. I wasn't prepared. But I just let it happen and enjoyed the moment. It wasn't complicated. I didn't have to think it through, question why, interpret what it meant, doubt his intentions, wonder where it might lead, or worry about the damn consequences. I absorbed the moment - warmth and peace of basic friendship and kindness. Something so simple, yet so rare in my life.

When that beautiful, fat puppy stepped through my door late one night. Instantly all the ugliness that had suffocated me for days disappeared. I didn't hesitate to plop on the floor and play and love and laugh. Ooh and ahhh. Be silly and affectionate. I didn't have to hold back. I didn't have to protect anyone from my emotions. I didn't have to be the responsible grown up. I didn't fuckin' have to be strong in adversity. For a moment I was just me. I don't know if he knew at the time how much it would mean to me when he brought Ari over to visit. If he knew how much it would help. But I think that's the only thing that kept me from breaking apart that week. For a moment there was nothing but pure joy.

Maybe I'm naive. Maybe this is how things are suppose to be as we get older. Maybe holding back and thinking everything through is what's expected in maturity. With every year, is our lesson to learn how fucked up everything and everyone really is? God...I don't want to be that cynical. I don't want to smother and beat down my emotions. But I do it to protect myself.

So maybe that's really the problem. Maybe I need to find a safe place to exist and safe people to surround myself with.

Honestly...in my day-to-day life...I have neither. *sigh*

Katherine